Life is hard… I notice this crossing my mind daily. Life. Is. Hard.
I think everyone comes to a point in their life where a big change needs to happen in order to find happiness and to grow. I am there. I am standing… actually, sitting at that crossroad feeling COMPLETELY fucking lost. Every day I ask myself which road to go down and I can’t come up with an answer. Too many ifs, ands, and buts. Too much unknown.
At first, I thought these feelings of loss and confusion were just another episode my Bipolar was causing. Well… That thought occurred about 10 months ago and here I still am.
Every day I wake up with a feeling of hollowness and so many unanswered questions.
Who am I?
What do I want out of life?
Why do I feel so broken?
How am I lovable in this state?
How do I get better and out of this confusion?
Why do I have so much anger?
How did I become so fragile?
Where the fuck did I go so wrong?
Every day these questions run through my mind until I’m too tired to think anymore. They sit and they wait until I’ve had a good nights sleep and they do it all over again.
Trying to slow down these racing thoughts and gain some traction can be a daily struggle when you have Bipolar disorder. It tires you out mentally, emotionally and physically which then puts you into a dark place. That’s where I’m at… That’s where I have been for the last 10 months.
I knew I was the lowest I had ever been when I gained clarity on a topic not many like to discuss, suicide… I get it now. I. Fucking. Get. It.
I was suffering from the most severe depression I had ever felt and I’ll never forget the day I couldn’t see past it. I was driving home from work on a rainy day (how typical Ha.) and I remember feeling so empty, so dark, and so heavy inside. I remember thinking, “This is Hell, this feeling right fucking now is Hell.” This was not the Hell you were taught growing up, with the devils, fire, painful screams and demons. This was much worse. It is pure fucking darkness. Your arms and legs feel like they are in heavy shackles chained to the ground making your legs want to give out from beneath you, it’s hard to breath because your lungs feel like they are filled with black tar, you are numb, your chest feels empty, you want to scream because you would do anything to feel something, you don’t have energy, you can’t cry because you are filled with complete nothingness, you are an empty corpse walking through life like a zombie being forced to watch everyone have life figured out, there is no happiness, no laughter, there is nothing worth living for.
That was how I felt driving home that day, and I remember saying to myself “I don’t want to be here anymore, it’s the only way to make this darkness go away.” It was then that I fucking understood why people commit suicide. This is where they get to when they decide to take their own life, because they can’t see past the darkness that depression brings upon them. This was the darkness they felt before making a life changing decision. It scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t believe I let myself get to this place. I had to pull over and close my eyes for a few moments to figure out what my next step would be. I could have ended it all that day. In that moment, I would have been ok with that decision, no regrets.
But… as you can see I didn’t take that road. As I sat and processed my feelings and my life, I came to the conclusion I was not going to go out this way and at this time in my life. I had more to do, I had more assholes to prove wrong, Bipolar was not going to get the best of me and I was going to be fucking happy again.
I was on my way home to a man who loves and adores me, puts me on a pedestal (that I don’t deserve to be on), a man I have hurt more than I like to admit because I am oh so reckless and so fucking emotional.
I couldn’t get any worse, so I knew I had to change my life. I had to become someone I love so then I could give my man the woman, him and his daughter deserve. At the end of the day, the little pinhole of light that shone through in my darkest moment, the reason I am still here is because of the beautiful people in my life…. I couldn’t let them down. I just couldn’t.
So here I am trying to figure out who I am, what I want out of life and how to find balance and happiness.
I’ve started this blog to help myself through this phase but mostly to also help you understand the other sides of me. My Bipolar Disorder is NOT who I am but A PART of me. I’ve started off showing you a peek at some of the darkness I deal with (you will see more) and you will see the good as well. I am a human and not a monster, I have normal feelings and I have intense feelings, I have good days and bad days, I can be irrational and reasonable, but underneath it all I will always be me (whoever that is). I’ll show you my angels and demons. I hope to shed some light on this disorder and I hope to also help you understand and maybe teach you a thing or two. I hope you enjoy the army of me I am about to let you see. Let me welcome you to my blog, Bipolar Biotch ❤