Depression, Fitness

Cupcakes and Wobbly Pops

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Who doesn’t like a freshly made cupcake and some wobbly pops? I know I do!!! I love cupcakes, chocolate, ice cream, take out food (it’s easy), wine (oh em gee), Fireball (my fav), cold beer on a summer afternoon and Cheladas… I could go on, but I think you get that I am like any other human being who loves to indulge in shit food and alcohol. Unfortunately for me, it comes at a price.

In the last couple years I have really started to notice how easily my mood changes when I put highly processed foods and sweets in my body. I get the instant gratification that I was craving, but an hour later… I am dealing with irritability, depression, ridiculous mood swings, tiredness, and 0 satisfaction. Does this stop me from indulging in the future? No! Why? Because I have 0 will power and it tastes amazing. Am I stupid?Uh…Fuck yeah!

We can’t forget about the wobbly pops… My psychiatrist had said from day 1 “DO NOT DRINK EXCESS ALCOHOL.” Do I listen? HA, NO. I’m not going to sugar coat it, I love to drink. All my problems go away, I’m happy and have 0 social anxiety, it’s fun, it tastes great and life is good. Until my boyfriend pushes my buttons and pisses me off… then “Mean Mell” makes an appearance (my well earned nickname), but she’s been kept at bay lately. The hangovers last a week. I am tortured with racing thoughts, mood swings, irritability and am so fucking tired (Ugh, I’m getting old). I also love eating all the garbage food I can find so I can give my body a double-whammy of shit because that’s just what I do.

As I sit here with my Bud Chelada while I write this and re-read what I wrote, I am 100% aware that the previous paragraph makes me sound like an over-weight alcoholic.  I can tell you I am not over-weight or an alcoholic but I do have a problem with willpower and letting go of the fear of not fitting in, dealing with my emotions and missing out on all the “Fun.” I definitely use alcohol sometimes to get instant relief for my mood swings and racing mind. It gives me a much needed break and if you could be in my head on those tough ass days, you would want to grab a beer too. It is why I’m having one right now and why I had some chocolate. I was a fucking bitch all day, thinking negatively, hated everything… but now those feelings have gone away and I’m content.  The next 3 weeks  I have celebrations with friends and family that I am really excited about and yes, drinking and eating anything and everything will be involved. I am going to power through this next month and hope I make it out alive (Lol) But…. I know this way of living and torturing myself needs to stop.

After the holidays, I am going to focus on eating healthier and drinking less. No, I’m not quitting drinking because all this change needs to be gradual and I don’t want to set myself up for failure. I’m tired of failing. I need to train myself to have willpower and I need to learn about what the best foods are for my body and most importantly, my brain. Since realizing how my mind reacts to food and alcohol, I am such a strong believer that these are main factors contributing to people with mental health issues. The saying “you are what you eat” has never rang so true to me. I am a walking example that if you eat like shit, you are going to feel like shit. I don’t give a fuck if you don’t believe in eating healthy because the only person losing out on that kind of closed -minded perception in life is you. If you can prevent an illness in your future, why wouldn’t you? I think that people who are suffering from, not only internal issues, but mental health issues can really benefit from eating healthier. The truth is people are too fucking lazy and stubborn to make those changes and would rather sit around and feel sorry for themselves. I am one of those people but in the new year, I am going to make the changes I need to so I can help myself, and also help anyone else suffering from mental health and show them that they need to do more then just take their medication to get better. You need to eat better and exercise to live a happier fulfilling life. I’m not saying to never enjoy sweets, take-out or booze again, it is all in moderation. It’s been said over and over and over, and I’m here to say it as well, because people still aren’t listening. I am going to make myself a guinea pig and test out what works best for when you are depressed or having anxiety. I am going to eat healthier, consume less alcohol and workout, not to get a toned body, but to have a happy healthy mind…. The rest will fall into place.

XO

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