I’ve been feeling good the last couple days. Head is clear, I am relaxed and happy. It is unfortunate that on my good days they are always paired with me trying to figure out whether this is a manic episode or I am genuinely feeling this way. That goes with every emotion, I am always second guessing what is real and what isn’t. I try to enjoy these days of feeling some type of “normal” and not let thoughts of wishing I didn’t have this disorder cloud my mind. I can not waste time wishing something away that will always be a part of me. All I can do is work towards being in recovery so I can have more and more days like this.
To live always second guessing what you’re feeling can be exhausting and frustrating. It can also turn into being self-conscious. When you have a disorder that has to do with your mind, people can tend to think that what you say has no value. Do you know how frustrating it is speaking to someone, and it’s like speaking to a wall? You can’t reach them. They have already come to some type of conclusion before you even started talking, based on the fact you have a mental disorder so they think everything you say is crazy. I not only have to second guess my feelings but also worry about people actually listening to what I say. It is especially frustrating when I let my emotions get the best of me and show my vulnerabilities. I hate myself when that happens because I add fuel to their fire. I give them the opportunity to say “Look, she IS fucking crazy.” I deal with guilt and anger towards myself after those times I lose my self-control.
Speaking out about having Bipolar Disorder has added to those worrying thoughts. I know that it is great to be open about it and to have a voice to help end the stigma… but I feel so exposed. I feel like I am showing all my cards and have to be careful about what I do or say so people don’t think I’m having an episode or have officially lost my mind. It’s hard for me to show you my emotions, but I guess that’s why I’m here. I am here to educate you that I am able to feel regular feelings. I am not ALWAYS bipolar, I am ALLOWED to feel like you do and express myself without judgement, as you do.
I feel this will always be something I struggle with because I will always be second guessing myself, to make sure I can keep up some kind of normal image, and I am also always trying to learn more about myself and the way my mind works. What makes me tick? What triggers an episode? What am I really feeling? Does it makes sense to be feeling this way? What did I eat? Am I in physical pain? Am I going to start menstruating? What will make me feel worse? What will make me feel better?
I admit that I am an over-thinker, but it comes with the territory. Some days I have horrible social-anxiety and the over-thinking and second guessing is definitely why. I am always trying to find the right thing to say and instead either say nothing or come off extremely awkward, stumble my words and make no sense. Most of the time I say nothing at all, and avoid any awkward confrontation I can. My drinking ties into this as well, I drink because I become so outgoing and don’t give a shit about what I say to anyone. The wall I have in my brain is lifted and I just let the words flow out. It’s times like those I appreciate my manic episodes, I don’t need alcohol to make me feel outgoing and passionate, my brain does it all on its own. It’s highly addictive and can have serious consequences if you never get it treated but it is wonderful. I’ll dive deeper into that next week.
All in all, I am a woman with 2 minds. I have my bipolar side that makes me want to live on the edge, be cautious, be reckless, be depressed, hate the world, want to rule the world, be confident, hate myself, be irrational and extreme. Then there is my “Normal” side that tries to make sure that other part of me stays in check. My mind can become the loudest place I know because of this… but the last few days, I am at peace with how I am, I am going to enjoy every minute I can and I can smile, put my feet up and dream about catching some big fucking fish while ice fishing. Haha 😀