Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!
I hope you all enjoyed the holidays! Sorry I have been away for a bit, I was taking a break and enjoying time with my friends and family. It was busy, expensive and even chaotic at times but I wouldn’t change a thing. It is my favorite time of year but I am glad it’s over. Now it’s time to reflect, relax and recharge.
The happy Mell I used to be from 2012-2015 is someone I look back on as a stranger. I was SO happy. I was the doting girlfriend, lived and breathed making sure my boyfriend was happy. I can honestly say our honeymoon stage lasted for those 3 years. I was so thankful to be with someone who put me on a pedestal, loved every messed up part of me, loved me on my bad days, taught me new things, taught me what love was actually supposed to be like and he had become my best friend, my whole world. I remember even thinking at one point “I read stuff all the time about couples who go through ups and downs are always stronger in the end. My boyfriend and I are perfect, we don’t have any ups and downs. We won’t ever have any troubles to deal with” Boy did that fucking bite me in the ass. Something awful happened in 2016… It slapped me in the face… I lost myself. I was so busy focusing all my time and energy on him that I had completely forgotten to take care of my needs, interests and desires. 3 fucking years- Gone. Relationship – Fucked. My world – In shambles.
The last 2 years have been a struggle for my boyfriend and I. It honestly chokes me up to even write that because it brings up a lot of memories and emotion of the struggles we have gone through and it just breaks my heart. He is such a good man, honestly, one of the best I know. I feel guilt when I think of the pain I have caused him. I am so thankful to still have him by my side. ❤
August 2016, I left for just over a month. I was full of so much built up resentment and anger… holy fuck was I angry. I almost hated him for what I had, in all reality, done to myself. My life was him. We hung out with his family, his friends, did things he liked, I helped take care of his kid and made sure that I never missed a beat trying to please them for 3 years straight. I was exhausted. Right before I left, I had a moment that turned out to be a warning sign that I ignored. He called my name to come help him with a project in the basement and I could feel myself feeling extremely overwhelmed and about to cry, in my head I was screaming “Leave me the fuck alone.” I was shaking with rage. Right then and there, I should have tried to address why I was feeling that way. But I didn’t, I ran… I ran far away so I couldn’t be bothered by anyone. After the month went by, I went back home in fear of losing him. Unfortunately things just weren’t the same and I noticed the same feelings building up again… I left again for a couple weeks- only partially this time. Home on weekends.
July 2017 – September 2017 was a turning point in my life and our relationship. My boyfriend and I had agreed to try one last resource before deciding if we should end the relationship or not. It was at this point I saw what true love looked like. I had this man willing to do anything to fix our relationship. He was fighting to keep me. Fucking me, of all people! Someone so broken, so lost and full of so much anger. I doubted him when I shouldn’t have. I had very little interest on working things out and it was because, I am a runner. Things get hard, I give up. It’s not easy? I’m out. I’ll work hard at things that aren’t important. An ugly truth I have just learned about myself. I. am. a. runner. Thankfully, that didn’t stop him from trying.
We hit up counselling and it helped tremendously. We learned we suck at communicating about important stuff, like how we are actually feeling (most couples do). I learned I was feeling like I wasn’t being heard, very insecure and judged (when I wasn’t), I definitely didn’t feel good enough and I was creating a huge amount of stress by always placing unrealistic expectations on myself. By having this all out in the open, we have really been able to give each other what we need and comfortably communicate more openly now. Through this journey of finding myself and learning to speak up, he has been so understanding and supportive. To think all these years I was terrified to show my true self because I didn’t think he would accept me or even love me anymore.
With the new year approaching, I couldn’t help but reflect on the last couple years and think of the person I had become. Why was I having so much difficulty finding happiness again? Why did it seem SO unattainable? Why do I still have days where I just want to run away from everything and everyone? Why do I feel this heaviness in my chest and on my shoulders? Why when I smile, it doesn’t feel genuine? Why? Why? WHY?
Then it hit me.
I had been living in this fantasy world in my head. Always thinking about what my life is “supposed” to be like or could be like, what would it be like if I was married? What it would be like to be single and not have to answer to someone? What would it be like if I had a baby? What it would be like to go out drinking and dancing until the sun came up? What would if be like to go on a hot trip with my boyfriend? What it would be like going home to no one and sitting and reading and doing nothing all alone? What would it be like to be anywhere but here today? <————- THIS is why I have been so fucking miserable. I know it sounds super fucking cheesy, but I have not been living in the moment. I have not been appreciating what I have. I have been so consumed by these thoughts that I was drowning my happiness. I used to read posts about gratitude and being in the moment and they never really resonated with me, until now.
This last month, I was able to spend time with the most important people in my life; my amazing friends, my cat, (can’t forget him) my boyfriends family, (who I consider my own now) my uncle, my boyfriend, and most importantly, my beautiful step-daughter. I can’t believe I have been such an idiot. During all the trauma I experienced growing up, I never thought in a million years that I would be living a life like this. How dare I prance around not being fucking thankful!
2018 is going to be about GRATITUDE, learning that I AM ENOUGH, I AM BEAUTIFUL, CONFIDENT, following my PASSION, being KIND and LETTING THINGS GO that don’t serve me any purpose, TAKING CARE OF MYSELF AND MY RELATIONSHIPS and EXPANDING MY KNOWLEDGE about nutrition, mental health, and fitness.
I am feeling positive about the future and excited who I get to spend it with. I hope you all stick to your goals this year! Don’t get upset if you fall off track. Every day is a new day to start. Don’t forget to be thankful ❤
P.S Sorry babe for airing our dirty laundry, but it was needed to get the point across lol. Love you hehe