I am a fucking bitch. I would not be surprised if I have been called a cunt a time or two behind my back. I am completely aware. I notice when my bitchiness comes out to play. I say something, irritated, and then I’m like “Damn, I’mma bitch” It comes out like verbal diarrhea. Whoopsy Daisy.
I only came to this realization a couple years ago. I was out golfing with my uncle and brother and my brother mentioned that I can be a total bitch sometimes, he looked for support from my uncle who said he didn’t want to call me that (LOL)… but I knew he agreed. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost six years and I have called him every name under the sun, he has only swore at me once and it was well deserved, he called me a fucking bitch (LOL). We have even discussed how much of a bitch I can be, he likes to refer to me as a “thunder cunt” in those moments (LOL!!!!) I am thankful he respects me enough to never call me names in the heat of the moment and that we can laugh about it after. But at the end of the day… I am a royal bitch, through and through.
The reason I have come to this recently is because I am struggling in a part of my life right now and it is bringing out a very ugly side of me. Nasty mean girl side. I think I am noticing it and finding it so bothersome because I want to be a better and happier person but I can’t be when I am feeling this way. I am feeling a bit stuck. I have been reading a book called “You Were Not Born To Suffer” by Blake D Bauer, and there is a chapter in it called “Deep Self-Respect” which basically says that you are 100% responsible for the outcome of everything in your life. So if you are in a situation that someone is acting a way you don’t agree with and you respond… like a bitch, that is not going to help you become a better person and become someone who respects themselves. I am struggling on finding the strength to ignore the problem and be above it. It is a challenge because it goes against the way I think things should be, against my morals. But that is everyone’s fucking problem these days, we all want to be in control of every situation and/or person around us which is unhealthy because it is unrealistic. The book makes sense of this – basically we are all taught when we are children that if we act out or have a temper tantrum, we would get our way or get some kind of reaction. Then as adults, we use this learned behavior to try and manipulate and control people and/or situations for our benefit. We become aggressive and or “Bitchy” because we are in a situation we are uncomfortable with and may have some unresolved issues within ourselves that we need to deal with.
This is going to be a huge learning curve for me, I need to learn that everything happens for a reason and that life around me is out of my control. The way I’m used to handling negative situations I find myself in is by being a huge bitch until I get a reaction out of someone… I usually want them to know they are wrong, teach them a lesson. If I can’t get through to them that way, I bounce. I know I need to take a different approach this time, but then my ego kicks in and says “If you turn the other way, you’re letting them win. You’re letting their actions be right.” And that is where my problem is. I shouldn’t care so much about them learning a lesson, I need to worry about myself and take care of myself first. I am #1. I need to learn to express myself in a more kind way if I feel offended or have been directly effected by someones actions. Basically… I need to be nicer.
This week, letting go has been my mantra, but fuck is it hard. I want to scream. Whoever came up with “Old habits die hard” is fucking brilliant. They hit the nail on the head with that one. I AM going to let this go, but it will take some time and pretty much a fucking miracle. But I have to remind myself that I will feel better at the end of all this for not going down the destructive road and taking the peaceful one instead and will be far more rewarding.
The universe is challenging me – Challenge accepted mother fucker!