Since starting my blog, I can’t help but feel so vulnerable. I’ve touched on this before but the word keeps coming up in my thoughts and I needed to write it out.
I can’t help but worry about people talking behind my back about me having a mental illness. I always have paranoid thoughts creep up, after I write a post or leave a room, “People are talking shit, wonder what they are saying? They think I’m crazy.” It makes me feel incredibly insecure and want to hide in a hole. As I let these thoughts stir within me, I started realizing… it’s not my problem and I need to get in the habit of drowning those thoughts out until they exist no longer. It’s all about building habits baby!
When people talk bad about you, you need to know and remember – that shit is on them. They have to live with themselves, go about their lives trying to bring others down because they have some issues deep within that they are running from. I need to drill in my head that their actions are not a reflection of me, but of themselves. I will be going home to my little family, curling up in bed with a smile on my face every night because I am surrounded by people who love and support me. I just hope one day they can find the strength to heal themselves and become a happier person.
Another reason why vulnerability keeps coming to mind is because I am someone who struggles with expressing myself in the first place. I have my bitchy side (as you know) but I also am really good at faking that everything is okay. Growing up in a broken home where you have been made to feel like a burden, you then develop a fear of expressing yourself because you don’t want to inconvenience anyone. If I am not happy in a situation, I will just smile and try to move forward and not say a peep… then everything bottles up and I explode.
Being vulnerable and learning to let things go really go hand in hand. On one side, I have to learn to walk away and just accept things as they are and on the other, if it is something that is affecting me, I need to learn to be vulnerable and express myself immediately regardless if it will make the other party unhappy. With that being said… I also have to learn to open up about my feelings in a way that is not rude or argumentative. That “Bitch” part of me comes out so quick if I feel inferior or attacked in any way. I guess you could say my bitchiness is a way I try to protect my insecurities. Another result of feeling not wanted all my life, you get in the habit of thinking you aren’t good enough. It makes me want to make sure no one else feels like that. This is why I HATE upsetting people and putting them out in any kind of way but I’ve come to realize that I have been sacrificing my own feelings to make sure others are comfortable while I suffer. Gaining the short lived satisfaction of being accepted by someone serves no benefit in the long run for my well-being. I am #1. I am allowed to have feelings and express myself like everyone else and I am not a burden or inconvenience. I need to remember that.
I know I sound a bit repetitive from my last post, but this is something I am focusing on and working on right now. Learning to let things go and that it’s okay to be vulnerable is going to take awhile to get comfortable with and make a habit of.
Yes, I have Bipolar Disorder. Yes, you can call me crazy, (I’m literally textbook LOL). I am learning to own it, accept it and speak up about it. If anyone wants to talk shit, they can waste their breath. If you don’t like what I have to say, learn to be open to others ways of thinking (I’m working on that as well). Lets just be fucking nice to each other. Let Karma do the dirty work ❤