I am on fire – drop-dead sexy
I can do anything and everything
I want to be everywhere with everyone
I am your best friend
I am your enemy
I want to dance until the sun comes up
Drink so I can bring this high even higher
I can run for miles – Rest is for the wicked
I am not just happy – I’m fucking ecstatic
I can feel the music run through my veins – every beat, every strum, every emotion
I could fuck for days
I am untouchable
Try to keep up – I dare you
Imagine… flying this high, without the drugs. Being on cloud 9 and nothing can stop you from feeling this good.
Welcome to Manic Mell. Seems like a boat load of fun, right? If you have ever taken Ecstasy, its very similar; higher than the fucking moon, your body is vibrating, you’re wired, life is colorful, your senses are heightened and you don’t need sleep. Feeling like this is highly addictive. Who doesn’t want feel high for free?
Unfortunately, this high isn’t as perfect as it seems. It comes at a price. You are easily irritated and you don’t just get angry, you get enraged. You can go from 0 to 100 in seconds. The littlest thing can set you off, something that shouldn’t even bother you. You can have racing thoughts, obsessive behavior (to the point you make up stories in your mind, you convince yourself they are true), you stutter because your mind is moving faster then your mouth can go and you become extremely reckless.
This is the part where peoples minds change from thinking you’re normal to thinking you’re crazy. This is the part people don’t understand that it is something out of your control and something that makes medication a necessity. If scientist and psychologists, to this day, are still trying to figure out all the nooks and crannies of Bipolar Disorder, how is the average person suppose to understand it?! This is my fucking reality if I’m not medicated.
When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar, I refused to take medication. I wanted to figure this out for myself. That didn’t go so well… I got very depressed and went to my doctor at the time, who treated me awfully and gave me medication and honestly said to me “Take this, I don’t know what to do with you.” Didn’t even tell me anything about the medication. I left in a worse state of mind and was so frustrated and lost. I went home, cried and felt helpless for a bit, then went on a hunt on the web to find the psychologist I had met with when I refused the medication. Thankfully, I fucking found her! I was put on 900mg of lithium. The first week; my hands were tingly, had a metallic taste in my mouth and it was making me extremely nauseous. Second week; the tingling and taste in my mouth started to subside, but every time I took my medication, I started to throw up. I went back to my psych to get my dose lowered, I was put on 600mg of Lithium. I hated taking it. I hated that it was now official… I was considered textbook crazy. I was officially different. I was broken in a way that wasn’t easy to fix. I would have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I was ashamed because all your life you hear people trash others for taking medication and/or have issues but don’t want to take meds because of the image it carries and want to be “organic.” I wish I had that option.
I cried about it all the time. My wonderful boyfriend was so supportive but he always made sure I understood that crying about it wouldn’t change anything and I needed to deal with it. It was true. After having to take a couple weeks off work because I had my first anxiety attack (that was hell), I decided to look for a different job and start dealing with the “new me” now. Fast forward to 2016, I was feeling really good and the only thing I was having trouble with was stuttering sometimes (side effect of the medication for me) so I decided to lower my dose again to 300mg. I was good about a year but then I started getting my mood swings again and depression kept coming and going. It was a wild roller coaster for me and my relationship (Mentioned in post “2018- I am Enough. I am Thankful”). After this last long fucking episode of depression, I called my psych and asked to be put on a anti-depressant but she said we could just up my dose by half first, to see if that helps since I was on the lowest dose that I could take which was still providing me with a slight effect (everyone is different, I am 100lb and 5ft so a dose that small still affects me) I am now taking 450mg of lithium every night before bed and I feel so much better.
The reason I did not want to go back up to the 600mg I was on before was because I felt numb. During that time I can’t recall ever feeling genuinely happy. I just felt mediocre… all. the. time. Deep down I didn’t want to take any so Manic Mell could come out to play but that wasn’t smart. The reality was I still wanted to be able to not only feel, but really feel like myself. Not a zombie. At the beginning of my diagnosis, I thought taking medication would make me 100% better and I think a lot of people think that. It’s absolutely not the case, you need to make a lifestyle change and meet your medication half way. These groups that I have been in and observed always showed a lot of people complaining about their medication and would riddle off a ridiculous amount of different meds that they were on and still weren’t happy (I probably don’t know the whole story but that is just how it came off) I’m not a doctor by any means, but if you were to change your diet, exercise and start to truly, truly, TRULY love yourself and take care of yourself…. you probably wouldn’t need as many meds. You need to do the fucking work. Sitting on your ass, eating like shit with a piss poor attitude is not going to help you get better. That’s the cold hard truth. It’s not even just with mental health but all kinds of health issues people go through these days, everyone thinks these magic little pills will cure everything… they don’t. Most pills help mask the issue, they don’t FIX it. I am on a low dose because I have been making the changes in my life I need to in order to live a happy fulfilled one with little to no symptoms. I get that everyone is different… but I will never sway from my belief that a healthy lifestyle will make you feel better… Ever.
I honestly find it so hard to sympathize with people who sit around and pop pills like candy and just complain all the fucking time. I don’t want to hear it if you aren’t getting off your ass and doing something about it. If you are tyring… I will always support you 100%, even through the hard times. But really, it is so simple – Eat well, move your body and have a positive and free mindset. Pair that with some meds and you will have a well balanced life… maybe even be able to be med-free one day! #Dreaming
P.S – I know it comes off a bit harsh, but lately I have a zero tolerance for bullshit – LOL. I think because I just want to surround myself with people who want to better themselves and be happy. I also want to make it clear, I am well aware medication is needed in many scenarios… just in case that got lost in translation.