Depression

I Wish It Was Just A Bad Hair Day.

                     Image result for stop saying i wish start saying i will

 

What a perfect day to talk about goal setting. I started off having a shitty day and I’m happy to inform you that it hasn’t gotten any better, I’m just taking it hour by hour and taking deep breaths so I don’t walk out of this shit-hole of a place I call my job… I also have bills that need to be paid.

Today I broke down and had a good cry… I was walking around the house getting ready for the day, thinking how much I wish I was going to a better job, a place that I felt appreciated at, a place I was better compensated, a place where I had more holidays or at least some sick days, a place that made me feel like I had purpose. I couldn’t help being angry at myself for not going to school earlier and for not getting a degree of some sort, under my belt. Resentment and blame creeped into my mind with such familiarity. I resented my parents for making life more difficult than it needed to be, I blamed them for my lack of self-knowledge preventing me from figuring out who I was and what I wanted at a younger age. I blamed them for not being able to help me get the education I needed to be successful and I blamed them for my struggle now. I knew these feelings were unfair and I am solely responsible for my life, but I did try.

I tried 3 times to be exact, to go to college, to get a student loan. My first attempt was at Red River College, I filled out the application for a student loan, but because I was 18, I needed to claim as a dependent… of my fucking parents. Two people who had not taken care of me since I was 15, I had to claim I was apparently dependent on them… I tried nonetheless and got denied. They suggest I try to go through the government and got denied there as well. I tried for my last time in 2012, I was 21 at the time. I went to CDI college, bright-eyed and full of hope that this would be it! I wanted to get into the Addictions program because I love helping people and since I’ve had experience in some of the underlying issues addicts have, I thought it would be a great fit. Well, I got denied. 21 fucking years old, living with my boyfriend, a full time job and I was still having to claim as a dependent of two people who were anything but dependable and had little to no contact with. I broke down in that meeting, told them my situation and they said there was no other way. I walked out, defeated, embarrassed, angry, and resentful.

I had big dreams, high hopes, a motivation to not turn out anything like my parents. I struggled, I pushed through, I struggled some more, I pushed through a bit more and now I’m here. I try to be thankful for my life. I have a job (Even thought it’s not the one I want), I have a man who would do anything for me, I have a roof over my head, amazing friends and family, but I still feel I have fallen short. Still feel I half-assed my previous years. Wasted. Regret.

It is only now that I realize what I have a passion for in life, which is mental health and nutrition. I feel lost on how to go about making a career out of one of them. Right now, it’s a goal. How to execute is where I feel helpless, like it will go from a goal into a dream, but one that is unattainable. I’m scared to even try because of the amount of times I’ve been let down… by others, but mostly, by myself. I can’t bring myself to use my un-diagnosed Bipolar all those years as an excuse. I hate excuses, but I hate how little I believe in myself even more.

This goal brings me to the subject I originally wanted to discuss- Goal Setting.

In my past, you could call my a professional goal setter. I set goals like they were going out of style. Announce them as if I would complete each one.. but never did. I am the girl who cried wolf. It is a symptom of Bipolar, we get into these moods where we feel like we can take on the world and try to set all these goals. Then when it comes down to execution, it becomes all too overwhelming and they are filed away with the rest that were never achieved. It is only until recently I’ve realized that this needed to be fixed. Last year I had 2 pages full of goals I wanted to achieve, I don’t think I achieved one. This year, I wanted to take steps towards living a happier life. I needed to write out my goals (like I do every year) but pick what was most important to me; I picked my health. I picked it because it really brought multiple goals into one.

Some goals for example were;

Get up earlier – Work out – Get to work earlier – Eat healthier – Read more – Learn more – Go to bed Earlier – Blog

All these goals go hand-in-hand with each other and help me in attaining my goal of being happier and healthier. These are ONLY my focus this year until it becomes a habit and becomes a permanent lifestyle change. Until then, everything else I want to accomplish must be set aside until I am ready to take it on 100%. The only other new goal I am going to let myself even think about is post-secondary school. I need to start figuring out what I want to take to find a job in an environment that excites me and makes me feel fulfilled. I’m thinking of starting off with a course here and there to see if I can do it from home and so I feel more comfortable, in the future, when possibly applying for a job that I think would suit me better… I’d have some good ole education to back up my badass personality. I also would like to have something to work on in the evenings and weekends to keep me out of trouble. I just got to take the plunge I guess, even if I’m filled with self-doubt.

I’m ending this blog post at home (started it at work on my lunch), and am feeling much better. I felt like going to school was something that I was too late on, a goal that would be, not shelved away for later, but put in the trash. Luckily, I have such wonderful friends who reminded me all day that I’m still young and it’s never to late. Just to go for it. For that, I am so thankful. Bad days, like today, make me show my weaknesses, my mood swings, my filter is gone, my anger takes over and I feel like giving up. I feel embarrassed for being so open and fragile.

I’ve realized to not over extend myself in goal setting, and that some goals are meant to be completed later. I have to remember life has a plan for me and everything happens for a reason. Things happen to teach you, to show you clarity and to motivate you. I need to remember to not take from these moments any anger, blame or resentment. It will take some mental strength to take bad days more easily. But today taught me a lot.

Thanks for reading.

To my friends, thanks for the support and giving me the push I needed to keep moving on.

X0

P.S My time of the month is around the corner and is partially to blame for me being over-emotional (HAHAHA) 😀

 

 

 

1 thought on “I Wish It Was Just A Bad Hair Day.”

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