——You can embrace me tonight while I’m too weak to fight——
Depression has a funny way of showing up sometimes. You can either see it coming from a mile away, or you just wake up one day and it’s got a choke-hold on you.
I, unfortunately, woke up in a choke-hold.
I was hoping I was just tired, but when it never subsided after my morning shower… I knew what I was in for.
My boyfriend could tell right away that something was wrong… he said his spidey senses were going (LOL). I told him I was just feeling a bit stressed and overwhelmed because of everything I had to do. He wasn’t buying it but let me be… he let me be until I got to work then tried to ask me again. I told him, “I need to clean the kitchen, I need to do laundry, I need to go to the gym.” He responded, “You SHOULD clean the kitchen, you SHOULD do laundry, you SHOULD go to the gym… But what you NEED to do is slow down.” I hate to say it, but I always end up saying it, he was right.
This isn’t the first time I have found myself in this position. Life gets busy and then I get overwhelmed the second I fall behind. Everything feels like it’s piling up to the point that I feel suffocated, I feel panicked. Where do I start now? When do I have time to sleep? What am I forgetting to do? How am I going to accomplish all this, plus take care of myself, plus meet my goals? Why can’t I seem to catch up?!
And then the depression hits. In a way it’s a blessing in disguise, it’s saying “Mell, time to slow down and regroup” but at the same time “Mell, you’re not good enough, that’s why you’re so behind. You’ll never catch up because you’re a piece of shit. Go lay in bed all day and cry about it.”
That was my goal when I got home, to go straight to bed. I had tried everything to make myself feel better today. I started off by listening to a positive podcast, ate a healthy breakfast, kept up with my water intake, tried to smile and laugh, ate a healthy lunch… nothing was working. I felt so tired, my arms and legs felt exhausted, I was irritable, my chest felt heavy and I could have cried at the drop of a dime. I tried my last resort on my lunch break… sugar. I went and bought a tube of cookie dough. I loved every minute of it and it made me feel better long enough to get me through the rest of my day at work.
I drove home in silence and came to terms with the fact that I was going to relax when I got home. My boyfriend surprised me by doing the dishes (I was so relieved). Then we made supper together and talked about doing renovations on the house, it was just what I needed. He made me laugh and helped me get my mind off the looming darkness.
I felt so frustrated this morning because I have shit to do, I have goals to reach. Why the fuck me? Why the fuck now?! Why can’t I be normal for a couple fucking weeks! But depression doesn’t give a fuck about your schedule. It doesn’t give a fuck about how great life is going. It doesn’t give a fuck about you at all and makes you not give a fuck about yourself either. Today, I tried to beat it, I tried to put depression in it’s place by doing everything I could to make myself feel better, but I lost. Today, I grew tired of fighting all the damn time, tired of trying to be normal, tired of fighting with my moods and my mind. Today, I said to my depression…
“Okay… You Win… But only for today.”