For those of you who don’t have me on social media, you may be wondering why I had to take a sudden break… A month ago, as of tomorrow, I was in an ice fishing accident with an ice auger where I ended up losing my pinky and most of my ring finger on my left hand. The only logical reason I can think of, as to why it happened, was that I just got too comfortable around a dangerous machine and put my hand where it shouldn’t have been with gloves that had good grip. So this last month, I have been focusing on healing and enjoying being surrounded by the people that mean the most to me.
On the day the accident happened, as I’m laying in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, I had a few moments to gather my thoughts and start going over how my life had just changed. What is it going to look like after? Will my boyfriend think it’s gross and stay with me? How am I going to work? Will my stepdaughter be ok? Are my friends kids going to cry and be scared of me? How am I going to work out? How did this happen? I hope my boyfriend doesn’t think it’s his fault. How will I be ok to work on Monday? (I later discovered that was not happening! LOL)…. Those were some of the questions and concerns running through my mind, but the big concern was, how am I going to handle this? How am I going to handle my Bipolar through this? When in a high-stress situation or dealing with a major life event, it is very likely for someone with Bipolar Disorder to have their mood-swings triggered… I knew this and was worried. My boyfriend was also worried and when we got a moment alone together once I got to the hospital, he let me know I was still beautiful and suggested it might be a good idea to see a therapist once I was healed. I obviously agreed. I knew I had to heal my body, but my mind and my self-love was what I was most concerned about.
Before the accident, life seemed to be rushing by me and I couldn’t gain any traction to keep up. I was trying to be positive and happy, workout, eat right, spend time with my family and fit in a social life somewhere, but I was always falling behind. I remember at times I would wish that life would just stop for one second so I could take a breath and catch up… Well I guess you get what you wish for.
Life stopped. My ability to do everything I was doing, that was making me feel like I was in the fast lane, was ripped from me. I couldn’t workout, couldn’t eat healthy, I couldn’t write my blog, I couldn’t work towards this person I thought I needed to be, I couldn’t do the things I thought I needed to do to feel fulfilled. But I realized, life has a funny way of teaching you lessons. Last week, I was doing a mental check-in on myself and realized, I’m doing pretty fucking awesome and I didn’t need to be worried about my Bipolar Disorder or self-love. If this accident would have happened a few years ago, it would have made me crumble. I would have hated that my appearance had been altered, I would have cried and felt sorry for myself, I would have cared a great deal about what other people thought of me. Luckily, I’m a much stronger woman than I was a few years ago and it is now that I only realize that.
I’ve never had the feeling of having my feet planted so firmly on the ground. I feel a sense of calm, happiness, thankfulness, and ease. I feel, mentally, the strongest I have ever been. I even feel wiser (haha). I used to be so concerned about my appearance, working to make myself better because I wanted people to look at me in admiration, it made me feel so exhausted because this goal that I wanted to look like was unreachable… it was unreachable because it was forever changing. Having my fingers removed made me realize that I am beautiful in my own way and I look even more badass now. Who gives a fuck what people say or judge really. I have moments, and will for some time, where I worry about people looking at me but I have to remind myself… Fuck em. I’m learning to let go of my control, how I let other peoples lives and judgments effect me, and I’m instantly being compassionate and understanding. I find myself practicing gratitude daily and not stressing about little things anymore. I still want to grow a big butt and slim down my stomach, but I will approach it with more ease now. I’m not going to be a personal trainer or anything, so I need to go at a better pace and get a better routine so I don’t mentally drain myself. I will still eat healthy, but not be so hard on myself when it comes to not eating the ideal meal. I need to do things more laid back because I don’t want to feel how I used to, everything will take time getting into as I learn how to use my hand and gain strength, and spending time with my friends and family is what is most important to me.
I smile more.
I laugh more.
I’m a fucking warrior.
And the biggest lesson this experience has taught me.
Tomorrow is not promised.
You only live once.
So live life to the fullest and don’t sweat the small stuff ❤
P.S I even was able to type this with my left hand’s help. Practice, practice, practice!! 😀