It’s been awhile. Sorry I’ve been absent but I assume you understand. I’ve been wanting to write but just haven’t found the time between work, appointments, exercises, spending time with friends and family and finding strength in my hand. If I would have written a week ago, it would have been in a much happier tune.
Since the accident in March, I’ve been stable… I have been happy every day, calm, and easy going. People would say to me how they could never handle losing their fingers and couldn’t believe how well I had been handling it. Honestly… I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW WELL I’VE BEEN HANDLING IT (LOL). I’ve been feeling like a normal person for once. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t second guess myself most days and hope that I wasn’t experiencing an episode of some kind. I can’t remember ever feeling this good and normal for this long, in all my life. It will be THREE months on June 10th… but who’s counting 😉
BUT! Since Sunday, I’ve been feeling a little moody, then today, I let my thoughts get the best of me and had a good cry. It started Sunday, which ended weird. I was fine all day until I had 3 beers and they hit me harder then the bottle of wine I had polished off the night before. On our way home from a bonfire, I felt so much rage within me, I knew I needed to go to bed ASAP. The next day I was irritable all day, then I didn’t sleep that night, which made Monday a day of irritation and tiredness. Then we get to today… I finally didn’t have a doctors appointment after work, so I’m alone in a quiet house, with my thoughts, the ones I keep locked away so I can continue to handle my injury well.
I’m human. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss my fingers. I look at my hand when I have a glove on or when I have a bandage on and I’m ok. When it comes off, it’s a different story, I sometimes find myself staring at the empty space and I feel my heart get tight. Today was one of those days where I longed to have my fingers back, I longed to make a full fist, move my fingers freely, have them look normal, be able to be independent again, not have to modify every task I do. I’m tired of dealing with insurance companies, my appointments, wearing tension bandages, gloves and splints. I just want to be better… so badly. Today was the first time since the week of the accident that I let myself cry it out until I could no longer breath and my chest ached. I let myself feel sorry for myself. I said the words I should never say “I wished this never happened.” Which I feel guilty even saying because this whole experience has taught me so much. Today, I let it slip because it was a moment of weakness. Even through the sadness and frustration, I dragged my ass to the couch to do my exercises and wrap my hand. I hope to wake up tomorrow, feeling better and back to normal. Hope this is just a hiccup in my stability.
I do need to clarify, it’s not that I don’t accept myself, I just miss the way it used to be and the functionality of it. Lately, I’ve been not wanting to wear the different things on my hand to control my swelling and straightening, so I’ve been able to see it a lot more and start processing what I’ll look like from now on.. In public, with adults, I could care less if they stare at me… I kind of get a kick out of it because I know they are curious and since my scars are still fresh, they might get grossed out but I find myself smirking and thinking how little I give a fuck. Although, when it comes to my friends and children, I’m a lot more cautious. I hide my hand from kids because I don’t want to scare them, I’m dreading the first time I make one cry. As for my friends, I know how much they love me but I can’t help but ask them for permission before removing my glove or bandage. I’m not sure if any of that will change, but it is still fresh and I hope I can be more careless one day. As one of my wonderful friends said to me, “That is who you are now and I would never want you to hide that.” I need to remember that.
This is me now and I should never feel ashamed.
I hope today was just one of those days… so then I can blame it on my period and get back to being happy.
It’s the next day aaaaannddd…. I’m feeling a little better 🙂 Got home and was going to have a hot bath and do a face mask but I napped instead. I’m on my way to feeling like myself again. Well, this new self I’ve become… I’m more happy, calm and easy going. I feel a peacefulness now that I’ve never felt before, I have a softer side now. I find myself saying “YOLO” a lot even thought I used to find the term annoying, but it’s true. You only live once ❤
I think I just needed a day to cry it out and throw a pity party.
Now I just need a couple days to recover and get back on my feet.
I’ll be writing more often again, now that life is getting back to some kind of normal. Already started my next one 😀
Thanks for reading.
P.S I don’t write so you feel sorry for me. I don’t want your pity. I write to feel better and to show you, not only the positive side of my life and my disorder, but the dark side as well. I’ll never be fake and put up a front. EVER. I’ll always be 100% real, I don’t give a fuck what people think. I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like what I say or do. I show you my life to show you that you can be happy living with Bipolar, you can be happy after growing up in a broken home and you can be happy after being a victim of sexual abuse. I show you my life and my struggles so that you can see how I deal with shit and maybe it will help you or someone in the future. I’m here to be real, show you the good, the bad and the ugly. As Christina Aguilera’s new song says, “I wasn’t made to fall in line” and that this 100% me. I don’t like to go with the crowd. I do what makes me happy. I’ve always been different. And I fucking like it that way.