Exhausted and Restless

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What a weird combination right? Ya, I have to live with it and figure out how to find balance.

Lately I have been feeling strung out. That’s the best way to describe me. I have been on the go constantly with work, doctors appointments, my stepdaughters baseball, having a social life and keeping the house tidy and my boyfriend and I fed (luckily he’s been helping with dinner). In the midst of all that I have been trying to read about eating better so I can get back in the gym and get rid of this beer belly that keeps growing. I’ve been interested in how this Keto thing works because there is lots of science backing it and there are plenty of benefits, so I started cutting carbs, increasing fat and decreasing the amount of sweets I eat,. Well, trying to juggle all this has brought me back to a negative mind and being a moody bitch.

For the last 2 weeks I have been feeling sick. I was getting nauseous after eating, headaches, my acne is god awful, stomach aches, and worst of all… chest pains. At first I thought maybe I ate something bad, but then it didn’t go away. I decided to book a doctors appointment to see if somethings up. I had gone to see her for my regular 3 month appointment a couple weeks prior, during then I had asked her to test my hormone levels because my acne was persistent on my jaw line. When I saw her on Thursday she advised me that they came back perfect… my hormones, sugar, vitamins, cholesterol… perfect. So I told her what was going on and she sent me for an EKG and to test for a possible bacteria in my stomach. I go back Thursday for my results…. but I think I find out what was wrong.

  1. I have not been eating what my body needs.
  2. I have been pushing myself to do too much at once, resulting in stress.
  3. I basically have not been taking care of myself and falling back into old bad habits.

Lets start with #1.

On Saturday I decided to stop my journey starting Keto. I bought Mr. Noodles, a bag of chips and a chocolate puffwheat square and devoured it. I went home and had a burger, sweet potato fries with a rootbeer for supper. If you know me, you know I rarely drink pop and don’t indulge in junk food like that very often. I woke up this morning and made myself french Toast and had a caesar salad and chicken fingers. My body feels way better. Now that I’m feeling better, I can’t believe how sick I was feeling and how much that was contributing to me feeling strung out. I’ve decided when it comes to diet, I’m going to eat how I used to and incorporate, here and there, what some research has shown to be very healthy for the human body. Lots of vegetables, some fruit, all meat, some grains, and lower my sugar intake. I have been doing lots of reading and there are so many different diets out there that are contradicting eachother. Keto says eat fat, lower carbs and there is science backing up these facts that it does the body wonders… but there is also proof that Keto is not good for many women. Then there’s Whole30 and the Mediterranean diets that still say fat is bad for you, eat lots of grains and limit your red meat. All this information becomes so overwhelming. I am throwing in the towel and sticking to what I believe. All in fucking moderation. Back in 2016 when I was eating good and going to the gym often, I felt my best. I was full, I was happy, I had energy, I was toning out and I ate a treat once in a while and it didn’t kill me. That worked for me, so that is my game plan.

On to #2

I’ve been so busy. I’m usually ok with busy for like a week or 2, but I’ve been ridiculously busy since the accident, 3.5 months. Going to work and then going to doctors appointments, doing my exercises 2-3 times a day, wearing my splints 2-3 times a day and then somehow finding time to go about with regular life and maintain a social life. I’m pooped. I don’t know how people have kids lol. With being so busy, becoming burnt out is always around the corner. With being burnt out, comes stress, then comes a manic episode for me. High stress is the devil. I noticed this last week, I was trying to fit 5 doctors appointments in, plus figure out what I should eat, plus figure out when I have time to read, my mind was racing to the point I was getting a headache, I felt so tired. I realized I was becoming the person I was before the accident. I was trying to do too much at once, I was having negative thoughts, forgetting to practice gratitude, I was becoming angry, mood swings, racing and obsessive thoughts and a new bad habit was my relationship with food was becoming stressful. I had a talk with my boyfriend which resulted in a good cry and a confession on how I was feeling. It’s so nice that we are best friends and I am able to talk to him because he is sympathetic to how I’m feeling but he also keeps it real with me. He is very practical and shows me my problems from a different perspective and he will literally say “Ok, so what is your plan to fix it?” Then we talk it out and I feel better. After that conversation, I realized I need to take a few minutes, slow down and refocus on my goals and priorities.

Now #3

Since I already talked about the bad habits in the previous paragraph. Lets discuss this self-care thing. I literally posted on my Facebook page 2 weeks ago how important self-care is. I need to take my own damn advice. I was talking to a friend and she was talking about her lack of motivation to get back to the gym and I could totally relate… so I told her to set a goal per week and just go there for a 15-30 minute walk to get back into it. AGAIN, I need to take my own damn advice (LOL)! I was supposed to hang out with her that night but plans fell through and I became extremely restless sitting at home. This isn’t the first time either, I’m starting to realize summer’s make me restless. I hate sitting at home on weekends when it’s nice out. I want to EXPLORE. My boyfriend even said to me yesterday night when I was pouting, “I thought you wanted a break?” I was like “Ya, during the week, weekends are when you have fun!” SO, Fathers day was today and he had plans with his daughter to go golfing leaving me a couple hours alone. I was fucking pumped to do whatever the fuck I wanted. I took myself out on a date! I was going to go find a walking trail, then I thought maybe the Winnipeg Art Gallery, then to the Exchange, but I eventually decided to go to The Forks. I planned on finding a Geocache, having a couple beers at The Common while reading, treat myself to ice cream and window shop. I was able to do most of it before my man and stepdaughter showed up to have lunch. I honestly wanted to complete all of it so I was feeling a little unfulfilled but I realized something. I need to do this WAY more often. My boyfriend and I are very different when it comes to having fun. He’s a homebody and likes to be at home or a close friends for BBQ’s and Bonfires, don’t get me wrong I love those too.. but not every weekend. I want adventure, I want to explore, maybe meet new people on the way. I love just walking aimlessly around the Forks with a buzz, going to a park and walking around and maybe finding a bench to read or write on, I love hiking/biking trails, I love going to watch live music, walking around the Exchange and find a new restaurant, new food, or new drink to try, walking down Corydon when it’s vibin’, walking around Osborne, experiencing culture and creativity. THIS is why I get restless in the summer, sitting around the fire every weekend does not keep my inner cup full.

So now that I am further down my healing journey it’s time to set my goals into motion again. Eat healthy and in moderation for treats, workout, take care of myself as in bubble baths with jazz music and/or dating myself.

I want to master my mind and my body.

I want to workout and get that flat tummy I always dream of and talk about.

I want to eat healthy so I am full and my mind is clear and stable.

I want to explore Manitoba.

I want to make this summer one for the books.

I want to feel fulfilled and at peace.

Having Bipolar makes all of those things a struggle, I’m motivated one day and not the next. I’m fully aware of my moods and constant start overs, but at least I start over. I will learn self-discipline and I will reach my goals. I will learn how to stay motivated and learn to control my emotions. I will get rid of my anger and find peace. I will practice gratitude. I will learn to be my own best friend. 

I know I have the ability to be stable since the last 3 months I have been.

I’m going to work towards getting back to that mindset again. I’m going to beat that number 3.

I’m done doing all the talk.

Now it’s time to be happy, get fulfilled and stable.

Time to walk the walk ❤


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