Omg it’s been a month… I’m the worst! Sorry I have not been posting lately. Life has been so busy with it being summer and all. Honestly, I’ve been trying to enjoy life to the fullest and spend as much time with my loved ones. Family and friends have always been important to me, but this summer has been aaaallll about them and growing and creating new relationships. It’s been such an awesome summer so far. Once life slows down again, I’ll be writing more often for sure!!!! So anyway… Lets get to it!
I’ve been stable since my accident (does happy dance), except for that small hiccup in June (I blame my period haha) Every time I feel like I’m getting irritated or letting something get to me that may cause a mood swing, I’ve developed a new habit of asking myself “How does this affect my life?” “Will I remember this tomorrow?” I would say 98% of the time, the answer is a big fat NO, and I move the fuck on. Boy has this literally changed my life. I don’t carry any extra burdens which = less stress = Way less mood swings (because stress levels are down) = happy, live your fucking life to the fullest, version of Me<3
Well, except for one thing…
I would say I have a mild case of it, but have it, nonetheless. The first 2-3 months involved some flashbacks, and nightmares of my boyfriend getting his leg caught in the auger. Some nights before bed, I would think of how the fuck I would help him. How would I get him to the truck? What would I use to cut the circulation to his leg so he doesn’t bleed out and die? How far away from other people will we be if I need help? How do I drive the truck off the ice if we are too far out? What if his daughter is along, how do I keep the situation calm? What if he dies because I can’t get him help fast enough? These questions still haunt me, but I don’t think about them nearly as often.
Another issue I am currently dealing with is having a fear of just about everything. If I go do something, say… go in the garage and step near the weed-wacker, a thought flashes in my head that somehow its going to turn on and cut my leg up… or, going for a hike and there’s a cliff, I imagine someone falling off immediately. It’s everyday activities here and there. It’s silly stuff that would never happen. BUT, I never thought my fingers would get ripped off yet here we are (LOL). So what I’ve been doing is pushing back on those thoughts. I instantly say either “That can’t happen” or “YOLO” and go the fuck for it. I have been forcing myself to face these fears that try to cloud my brain, to show them whose boss and not let them take my life from me. I will NOT let that happen.
As the months fly by while I keep busy with friends and family, in the back of my head I can’t help but think, as each day passes, its a day closer to fishing season. Since I like to overthink everything, I’m, of course, nervous for my first time out on the ice. Being on the ice, in the same truck, same shack, same everything… how could the memories not come flooding back? I already know I’m going to cry, not because of fear, but just sadness. I hated seeing my boyfriend with pure panic on his face, I remember looking down and seeing an empty space where my pinky should have been and my glove laid out on the snow with my tendon hanging out, I remember almost passing out, the shakiness in my boyfriends voice as he talked to the 911 operator and the million times he apologized over and over and over and over, the ambulance trip, surrounded by my family in my hospital bed, and the pain and sadness on my boyfriends face. Fuck. I remember it all so clearly. It’s going to be fucking hard but I’m not letting my fears win. I just need to do it and I should be fine. Unfortunately, until then, all I can do is lay around and wait to face my memories.
My hand – 4 months out
Is doing great! My “good” fingers are still not fully functional but they get the job done. I will experience swelling for the next year and need to wear a splint until my fingers are able to stay straight on their own. I don’t have to see my surgeon ever again, unless something bad happens. My physio appointments are down to once a month! Occupational is still weekly. My scar on my ring finger is almost gone, but where my pinky used to be, it still protrudes a bit. Scars change for up to a year, so I need to get my ass in gear and do some scar massage. I did accupunture, which helped with my phantom fingers, they only come around if I over work my hand (which I’ve been doing lately), and I get some nerve pain in my palm but a nice little massage always fixes it. I’m slowly getting used to looking at it, it’s starting to look more like me and not like something is missing. The only time I’m uncomfortable with it still is in pictures and in the mirror, here, I see the whole me and it looks incomplete… a bit freakish. I discovered I can still play Guitar Hero (LOL) and my typing is great. I’ve only had one idiotic comment and I catch people staring… It really doesn’t bother me but I would prefer people asked questions instead of making assumptions.
I have fucking awesome news! Today marks 1 week back in the gym and I can do most of my usual exercises!!! Anything that requires my grip with just my fingers, anything where you pull down, deadlifts etc.. I can’t do right now because my fingers aren’t working 100% and aren’t strong enough yet. Push-ups, burpees and yoga will be an issue because I can’t flatten my fingers to provide that flat hand stability. I don’t trust putting weights over my head yet because I’m not used to my new grip yet and don’t trust how strong it is yet, so I don’t want to smash my head, or face, in (theres that PTSD again). I’m also not ready to use wrist strap yet because if I drop the weight, I don’t want to break my wrist or something happening because I have no way of letting go of it easily (and again). So this will all take baby steps but I’m happy where I’m at already and mentally, I feel great being back. It’s just another step towards life feeling normal again. Only thing I did notice today is that my hand prefers morning workouts. I went in the afternoon after using it all day and I was having mad pressure sensations on my phantom fingers, so I worked it a little too hard. The up side to that is exercise promotes healing so a little pain never hurt nobody.
This passed month I was experiencing some chest pain, nausea and tiredness, so I went to the doctor to discover I have a slight arrhythmia (irregular heartbeat) which is common but still.. not something I want to let worsen. I only get the chest pain when I’m super stressed out so obviously I’m going to work on having a low stress life :p. But, I have to admit that it is sad it takes a serious accident, and/or health issue, to knock sense into people… like myself. My fitness journey reasons have change this time around, don’t get me wrong, I still want a flat tummy and ass for days, but my primary reasons are to heal and be healthy from the INSIDE out.
I’m going to eat healthier but not let my life be controlled by calorie counting and stressing over the donut I ate at lunch. I’ve done it before and it’s not the best for me mentally. It’s not healthy to create a bad relationship with food, you know, because our body needs it and what not (lol). If my boyfriend wants to take me out for ice cream, damn rights I’m getting a double scoop of cookie dough and sharing quality time with my best friend in life. I’ll allow a “cheat” meal, eat non-organic fruit and vegetables, eat supplements that might have funky ingredients that people like to be judgmental about, sometimes do too much cardio or not enough, not look like a model going to the gym and well, you get the point… This time, I’m going to do it my fucking way. I’m tired of reading endless articles and hearing endless opinions, that all contradict each other, about whats healthy and whats not. I’m so over it. It’s so fucking stressful. And this bitch needs less stress in her life. :p
So that being said…
Imma Do Me.
I’m gunna do what I feel is best for me, what makes me happy and peaceful. That’s all that fucking matters. No more stressing about who said this and that and what is healthy and whats not. It’s all so overwhelming. And well, if you think of it at the end of the day, our grandparents ate whatever the fuck they wanted and mine have lived and, still live, passed their 80’s. So I’m done. Over it. Imma do what I want.
And how fucking FREEING that feels!!!!
I never realized how much eating the right thing, with the right ingredients, at the right time of day, was putting a huge stress on me. HUGE!!!!
I never realized how much I was letting other peoples lives, opinions, THEIR shitty decisions, THEIR selfishness, and THEIR shitty personalities affect MY life!!! It’s INSANE.
Other people have nothing to do with how I live my life.
So fuck it.
Stop caring what anyone thinks of you or does to you.
Do YOU! No questions or fucking doubts. No excuses!
Do. Your. THANG!
Here’s to summer 2018 and living the best life!!!!!
Peace, Biotches :*