Learning who you really are is one of the most important steps you need to take if you ever want to get into recovery from a mental illness. I know I’ve said it before, but it is so crucial, I will probably say it again and again and a few more times after that. Knowing what makes you happy, sad, excited, upset, nervous, angry, you name it… really digging deep and finding your true self is the key to happiness and mental stability. If you don’t know who you are as an individual, your emotions and thoughts are going to be controlled by the people around you, you will always feel like you can’t seem to get your feet on solid ground and you will end up not recognizing the person in the mirror staring back at you.
Trust me. I know.
I’m not just talking as in you should figure out what your favorite ice cream is or that watching cute animal rescue videos makes you happy cry. I’m talking about the deep emotions people generally like to ignore, the mess inside that have made people the way they are. You need to figure out what makes you tick. You need to clean up that mess in there, you filthy fucking animal. 😛
The way I started this was simple, I’d monitor my reactions. For example, if someone said something that I didn’t agree with, I would check to see how I’m feeling and ask myself why am I feeling this way? Like when my boyfriend used to playfully joke around with me and I would take it personally and get very defensive and upset, I then asked myself, why am I feeling this way? I figured out it was because I didn’t think very highly of myself and didn’t think I was very smart. So then I figured out the main culprit – which was my insecurities. You begin to understand why you may be reacting the way you are. Having Bipolar, I’m obviously highly emotional, so implementing this into my life so I control my reactions AND get to know the ugly parts of me that need healing, has been life changing.
Simply put, think before you act. Me… I can be a little spitfire then I feel like an idiot for over-reacting. Over-reacting really should be my middle name lol.
I see so many people battling BPD, Depression and Anxiety and I know it’s an illness that has the strength to take over us. But I really believe that by figuring out why you feel a certain way and then working on the personality trait that is making you feel that way, it will help make those episodes become less and less. The broken fucked up parts of you begin to heal. You begin to love yourself. You begin to stop draining your energy on shit that doesn’t matter, shit that will be forgotten in a couple clicks, an hour or by tomorrow. You focus on only what makes you feel good and what does matter. You become happier, less stressed, less angry, less anxious, and less depressed.
This is obviously no quick fix (there is no quick fix for mental health) and you will probably need to do it for the rest of your life. I have been doing it for about a year… more so the monitoring part but now since my accident, I have started to dig deeper and ask Why? What part of my mess is triggering these feelings and what needs to heal? Does it serve me any purpose to put my energy towards it? I started to get answers and learn that I am not very confident, I have lots of pent up anger and I care way too much about shit that I shouldn’t. And since I’ve started doing this I realized I’m lucky to have an amazing man in my life who helps me with this as well. I will make a comment to him and he will say “Stop.” or “Why does it matter?” and I know it’s something not worth my time. This exercise has made me become a much happier and easy going person.
So I hope, going forward, anyone who is struggling in anyway and wants to work towards being happy, try this out. Journal your reactions and figure out what trait is triggering those feelings. Then work on it. Once you get to really know yourself and know the messy part of you, you can start healing. At the end of the day, the ugly/messy part of us is the part that was broken by someone or a traumatic event. You were not born with it, so you shouldn’t be holding that burden. I think we forget that. We have things happen to us that alter who we truly are and then we get so used to being altered this way, we think this is who we are. When its not. Just because I’ve been called ugly by someone, does not make me ugly. Just because someone said I was stupid, doesn’t make me stupid. But those comments or peoples actions stay with us, we don’t usually notice how much certain things deeply effect us until much later… it slowly collects and becomes that fucking mess that we all try to avoid. We don’t deserve to carry the weight of someone else’s fuck ups, someone else’s fucking mess that they haven’t yet learnt how to deal with.
That being said, Bipolar does not have one single cause but they have speculated that a traumatic event can be what triggers it to start. I’ve had my fair share of trauma at a young age, which may have triggered my Bipolar, and carrying the burden of how I was mistreated all these years and having this become my mess… I became a little Bipolar bitch. haha. Now I’ve realized, I will not let those people and events control who I am anymore… I’m going to find that little girl I was before all the bullshit happened. Before the anger, the hurt, the sadness.
Imagine being free of the pain you carry.
Free of the bad thoughts that drive you into feeling anxious.
Free of the bad thoughts that make you feel worthless and depressed.
If any of you ever wants to talk. Please never hesitate to message me. I love making new friends and I’m pretty good at being a listening ear if you need. Links are all on my homepage. Talk if you have any questions about this exercise and how it’s helped me.
If you are looking for an awesome fucking read that I can say has helped me immensely, a book that has changed my way of thinking, inspired this post, changed my life… read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” By Mark Manson.
Lots of love.
P.S – This may not be for everyone but it has worked for me. Wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. ❤ Pairing it with good meds ( if you need) exercise and a good diet helps too 🙂