I feel my stability slipping through my fingers. – “Please no” I beg, ” Don’t take this from me. It felt so good to be “normal.” As if my Bipolar has ever cared. – The cold hard truth sinking in.. my boyfriend was right, I’ve burnt myself out. The warning I brushed away. I’ll be fine… Now, everything that needs to be done weighs down heavy on me and my desire to do it is strained. I find myself having to come to a decision. Give up my plans or keep pushing? To others the answer looks easy. Obviously cancel your plans. But to me, I struggle with feeling like letting others down and that I’m missing out on making memories with people I care for, I think “Maybe I’ll have gained my strength enough to go through with plans by then.” The truth is, even if I have been lifted somewhat, I’ll still be behind on what I need to do to recharge and have a clear relaxed mind.
I’m like most people, addicted to a fast fix. What I mean by that is I’d rather be satisfied by a short term fix and make my long term happiness suffer. If there’s a fun event this weekend, I’ll drop everything and do that rather than what I originally planned, which is taking care of me… which would last long term. The fun event would last a night and I’d be behind on taking care of me, leaving me in this place.
I can tell it’s wanting to come out and play. Like a fucking monster in the night. I’m like a child laying in bed while my mind plays tricks on me. Turning innocent shadows into little demons. The monster patiently waiting for my eyes to shut so it can get off on torturing me. Waiting to pounce. Waiting for me to give in.
I want to sleep and be left alone. I’ve found my mask, the one with the smile and fake laughs. As soon as I’m alone, I feel drained from the fakeness. I’ve got to stop it before it’s too late. I can’t let the monster win. I don’t miss the days of nothingness and relentless tears for reasons unknown. My biggest indicator that I even had Bipolar was my depression. It’s a fucking bitch. It sucks the soul right out of me. Rents it to the fucking devil. I’m not going to let it completely take over me this time. I’m going to do anything and everything to get out of this slump. The one thing I’m thankful for is that I can see it coming now. Unlike before, I’d be consumed and only thing I could do was ride it out.
Well, its time to take some time for myself. Step back and remove myself from the fast lane. Sit in the shadows so I can find my own light again.
-Sept 16/18 *Update*
I didn’t cancel my plans. Wednesday I enjoyed spending time with one of my girlfriends, then Thursday – Friday I got a stomach flu. Saturday I started to feel better and went to my girls night but half way through I realized I should have stayed home. I was feeling off. My depression was lingering. During the drive home all I could think about was how shitty I felt, I just wanted to cry for no fucking reason. My girls nights usually revive me but not this time.
I decided that I needed to make a plan for the week and stick to it. I made lists of what I was to do everyday, created a routine, created a reason for me not to crawl into bed. I meal planned, prepped lunches, cleaned the house, read a lot, took a bath, did a face mask twice, read some more, disconnected after work from social media twice, walked 30 min one morning, went to bed early and woke up earlier so I wasn’t rushing to get out the door. I was successful in avoiding my bed and avoiding my depression getting any worse, but it didn’t get better.
I then was curious about when my next menstrual cycle was to begin, and it was in a couple days. Fuck, I hate being a woman! This spell I’ve been under now could be due to 1 of 3 things (or all)… change of season, burnt out and/or PMS!! We will have to wait and see how I feel once it’s over. I’m going to start sticking to a strict schedule/routine. It creates less stress which helps fight off my depression.
It’s going to have to be like this for awhile, I need to do this to recharge my batteries. It’s time for some personal development.
I’ve set goals that I will solely be focusing on.
- Read more
- Less time on Social Media
- Start back at the gym regularly in the AM
- Eat less sugar
- Hit my step goal daily
- Join “Grow Your Yoga” at Moksha 😀
- Start organizing and decluttering the house
- Spend time at home with my love more
- Finish everything I start
- Only buy what I NEED
- Go to bed earlier and consistently.
- Bath at least once a week and face mask twice a week.
It seems like a lot, but it really all goes hand in hand with each other. I need balance, stability, and routine. One thing my psychiatrist always stressed was building a healthy routine. It’s time to do just that.