Wow. Last weeks post was heavy. I was so emotionally drained. I cried, I was exhausted, I felt numb. It was a difficult post to write emotionally, but the words came out like verbal diarrhea. I bet it was a bit hard to read too, so I thank you for powering through and hearing my story. That will probably be the most… hmm, what word to use.. I guess, the most “Jaw-dropping” post I’ll ever write. I’ll probably write a part 2 when I’m ready. In the process of healing, you have to rip yourself wide open to the ugliest parts that you keep hidden. I did that last week, so I’m in the process of licking my wounds, dealing with the feedback, and healing in places I have kept hidden for so long.
After I wrote it, I would have waves of 2nd guessing myself. Did I say too much? Will I be looked at differently? Did I go too far? I answered all those concerns with “No.” I hope in “saying too much” that I made people feel a small percentage of how I felt, I hope I got the message across, I hope I made people feel uncomfortable so they would start to understand how sooooo many sexual abuse survivors feel and what goes on in their minds. How so fucking wrong it is that we feel ashamed because of someone’s wrong doings, to the point we are silenced. Will I be looked at differently? I hope I am looked at as a stonger woman. If I’m looked at in a more negative light, that’s on you. I didn’t ask for what happened to me. And last but not least, did I go too far? No. I’m here to speak the truth. That’s what I gave you.
So! Lets get on to what THIS post is going to be about. Goal setting and Self-Discipline! This is kind of a part 2 to an earlier post, “I Wish It Was Just A Bad Hair Day.” Link below if you haven’t given it a read:
Where I discussed how I’m a goal setting pro, which I still am. I’m addicted, what can I say. My goals in that post were as follows; Health = Get up earlier – Work out – Get to work earlier – Eat healthier – Read more – Learn more – Go to bed Earlier – Blog. Have I stuck to them? Kind of.
A few weeks ago I came to realize 2 flaws I have. 1. I have 0 Self-discipline and 2. I jump into stuff without giving it much thought or laying out a plan. This year has been the worst year for me, health wise. First was my hand, then I was having stomach and heart problems, then I got my wisdom tooth out, then I got a stomach virus, then I got a head cold. FINALLY I’M BETTER! So needless to say, my goals have been put on the back burner while I have been trying to get better. So as I was going through my bookshelf and seeing all my unread books and some that were started and never finished, and I thought “This is my life. Buying shit I don’t need and starting things and not finishing them.” When this thought occured to me, I realized I did not want to be like that anymore. So instead of jumping into all these goals I wanted to meet. I started small.
My first goal was to finish a book I had already started.. BAM. Did it. Next, any book I start reading I would have to finish (Unless it was god awful, which 1 was and I had to put it down lol) 5 books later, I think I’ve broken a bad habit when it comes to buying books and started working towards completing what I start. My big goal that I have had for years and never have completed… is getting rid of the spare tire I hide underneath my shirt. I want a flat stomach, and to grow my booty. I want to be fit. (Yes, I know, I sound like a broken record) So what I usually do is, I jump right in, get up at 5am, go hard at the gym and I do this for a few weeks until I burn out then I fail. I always fucking fail. I’m tired of failing.
So this time I set a simple goal, walk 30 minutes everyday on the treadmill. I started working out, but taking it easy since I’ve been out of the gym for awhile and my hand isn’t as strong as it used to me so I have to build that strength up. And if I miss a day right now, not a big deal, because working out is going above and beyond what my goal is right now. When I’m ready, I’ll add to that goal and make sure I go to the gym 3 days a week. Once I’m going to the gym regularly, then I’ll move onto my next goal which will be eating better.
I’ve realized plunging into working out never has worked for me, this time I’m going to take babysteps. No rush, no guilt if I mess up. Just ease into it. Just babysteps. I feel I’m becoming addicted to being a “finisher” and I want to become a better person so setting goals that require self-discipline is what I need. To have self-discipline is such an awesome trait and I want to have it.
Having Bipolar, we can be scattered, lost, unsure of ourselves, constantly looking for what makes us happy or makes us tick. We have so many moods, which one is the real us? So we set out to do anything and everything and unfortunately leave a trail of unfinished business at times. I want to be better than that. I want to overpower my scattered mind and show it who’s boss.
So babysteps it is.
Cheers to completing your goals. Start today. Stop making excuses and waiting for the perfect day to begin. Don’t be afraid to start small if you need to. Just START.