A Letter To My Ex
They say love is blind But that wasn't love I was just blind. We shared many firsts in our love affair You were the first boy to cheat on me 1, 2, maybe 13 You were the first to slip me cocaine and ecstasy And that choke hold, only you and me I still remember your hands on my neck And all the fucking times you ripped a hole in my chest I was lucky when my friend broke in Since you're a christian boy, have you prayed for your sins? Then there's that secret, little Suzy or Timmy, we would never know. An accident I faced all on my own. You were the first to say I loved too much But I think you didn't love enough You were too busy wasting all of it on your one night stands Just so you could think you were some kind of man I know I'm not innocent, I hurt you back in spite. Who could hurt who worst was always the fight. Still to this day, you slander my name. It's been 8 long years since I've seen your face. You keep telling everyone that I was crazy Ever wonder how I would have acted if you would have behaved maybe? So next time you tell your story of us Get your facts straight you stupid fuck Thank you for showing me what I don't deserve Some people might call you the scum of the earth You made me feel lower than low Until I raised from the dirt Stronger than ever upon my return I thought of how to make you pay Without having to see your face I wished only if my words could hit I'd make sure it left paper cuts all on your dick That's what the old me would have liked But I've grown since then I've already won this fight I'm stronger, wiser, happier and prettier And then there's good Karma I'm a believer So I wish you the best for the rest of your life Maybe one day you'll become a man Hopefully before you find a good wife Then you can look back on us and see I'll be the example how not to treat a lady Then maybe next time Your bitch won't be crazy.
Even though this is from my own pain and past, I know many women out there that can relate. You always here stories of “bitches” being crazy. Next time, ask yourself what might have caused her to act that way in the first place and check if she even acted in any kind of way…
As you can tell, this is filled with anger, pettiness (hahaha), hate, sadness and a lot more anger. I did not want to post this, honestly, I did not want to stoop down to this level. I’ve been going over it all week in my head, redoing and undoing many lines. Obsessing over it. Should I or shouldn’t I. I’ve been stressed to say the least. I might even delete this after lol. What was holding me back was I didn’t want upset my boyfriend by bringing up past mistakes and I didn’t want to be that person to start drama and put someone down. I finally decided I’m going to let him get the best of my temper one last time, say my last words, my side of the story, and not let this part of my life effect me anymore.
It drives me INSANE when boys (they aren’t men yet clearly) go around acting like they were so fucking innocent and that the women were acting completely irrational. Yes I screamed, I blew up his phone, I pushed him a few times, I cheated a few times in spite, I screamed a lot fucking more, but I would have never had so much anger if I wasn’t constantly disrespected, betrayed and fucking lied to. Disrespect isn’t even a strong enough word to describe what that asshole did to me. The making fun of me and laughing at me, not only behind my back, but many times when I was in the other fucking room. Making fun of a woman who had been sexually abused SHORTLY after I had confessed for THE FIRST TIME, to ANYONE, what had happened to me. He knew it all and kicked me when I was down, spit on me, threw dirt on me because he thought I didn’t deserve anything. Then he has the audacity to continue to gossip about me YEARS later… The fucking nerve of some people.
Thankfully, I am not the girl I used to be. I’ve become a woman, mature (except for this haha), became a better person. I’ve taken the time to heal and make sure I never let anyone treat me like that ever again. I love and respect myself. I now see how awful it all was. Never again will that happen. I will continue to remind myself going forward, not to give a fuck what people say. Ignore it. Move on. Focus only on what’s important. I hope by me being immature and lashing out one last time provides me some closure. I hope he does us both a favor and forgets me like I have forgotten him all these years.
And yes, I let more secrets out. I can say I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve done or some of the things I let happen. But I was young and in a very bad place. Writing and being 100% fucking open has helped me heal so much and forgive myself for many of the things I’ve done. I’ve realized the times I am the most uncomfortable in my blog, the most raw, the times that shake me up, is followed weeks later by more peacefulness. I feel more grounded and more level-headed. It has been surprisingly very therapeutic. I feel the strongest I’ve ever felt mentally. I’ll risk judgement and hate for all that any day.
I’ll share some lyrics I listened to today that gave me a sign to post this blog. That gave me the strength to do so. That showed me another area of my life where the anger I hold transpired from.
“Stop slowing me down
Stop holding me up
We’re making a scene
And that’s enough
Let’s be honest
Was never meant to last
I’m taking you on
I’m calling you out
There’s nothing left
For us here now
Let’s be honest
I’m never looking back
For my sake” – Shinedown “For My Sake”
P.S Let this also be a reminder that there are TWO sides to every story…
This is mine.