My mind reminded me this week that you can never have too much of a good thing. I mean that term like “You’ve been stable for too long, let me (Bipolar) remind you I’ll always be here to fuck with you” I was feeling off starting on Monday and it has progressively gotten worse. It started with feeling overwhelmed by the shit I wanted to do plus fit in yoga. Yoga was supposed to be bringing me balance and happiness, a way to release negative energy and I feel it is doing the opposite. Not the yoga itself, but finding the time to go. I’ve missed 4 days, today is the 5th because of how shitty I feel. The days I have done yoga have mostly been at home. Because I have missed some days, I’m having a hard time breaking the habit of being extremely hard on myself, the harder I am on myself, the less I want to do anything. I found walking on the treadmill 30 min a day to be way easier than going to yoga. I will try to power through this and finish my goal. Forgive myself for the missed days.
When I feel overwhelmed like I do, I just want to hide in a hole away from life. Then comes the stressing out about everything. I start to dissect every situation and make myself feel worse. I think about my dreams, things I wish I could accomplish and think about how stuck I am. I want to get into a job that will teach me new things with opportunities for advancement. To do that I need to get some schooling on my resume. To do that you need lots of money. Who knows when my car will die, so there’s more money there. I have some debt I need to pay off before doing any of this. I feel not good enough because I haven’t gone to school. I feel stupid. I have no fucking idea what to do next and I’m fucking miserable. I hate feeling so stuck, so restricted. Going to work is getting harder and harder. I’m useless there. A monkey could do my job now. I know nothing. I feel defeated.
The only good thing this week was that today I finally got up early, got ready, made lunches and got in 10 minutes of cuddle time before work like I used to back when I was getting up and going to the gym regularly. It felt good. It reminded me what my psychiatrist had stressed to me… People with Bipolar Disorder need routine, along with exercise and good diet.
I’ve said it a million times before, I am my own worst enemy. I have 0 will power. I tell myself excuses not to do something. Not to get up early, not to go to the gym, why I should eat not 1 piece of dessert, but 2. By doing that, I fall out of routine and invite depression into my life. I need to get back into a routine, back to making lists (I love lists) and back to saying no to myself and anything else that will throw me off track. I’ve let myself get too busy again and now I feel like life is slipping through my fingers. Routine means less stress. With that, I also need to learn that falling off the routine once in a while is ok and to not beat myself up about it and get the fuck back on track. I need a better diet again and I need exercise, the kind that makes you feel alive. I need more than just yoga.
I’m not going to push myself for the rest of the week so I can get my head straight and out of this slump. Today I tried chocolate, bad food, a nap, and keeping to myself to make me feel better, the only thing that worked was beer. I know it’s bad when alcohol is the only thing that quiets my mind for a bit. To cure myself in a healthy way I’ll have to do a face mask, bath time, read and clean the house… yes, cleaning makes me feel so much better. I heard a woman on the show Hoarders once say “If her house looks like that, I can only imagine what is going on in her head” Basically, a messy house is a messy mind. I find it so true. If my kitchen or bathroom is messy, I feel instantly stressed until it’s been cleaned. So yes, I’ll need to do some cleaning to make me feel better. I also need to figure out how to get through the next 2 months, which will be busy. Fuck.
I wish time would just slow down. I’m losing traction.
Here’s to hoping for a better week next week.