I think I learned to suffer in silence because I have always felt like such a burden to the people around me. I’d rather drive myself crazy trying to figure out how to help myself than to have to ask someone for help. This is something that about my personality that will be hard to shake, if ever.
That being said, I had my first mental break down in 6 years, yesterday. I know when most of you read the words ‘mental break down’ you instantly think of someone being hysterical, some screaming, maybe talking to things that aren’t there, and who knows what other crazy shit society has drilled in to your brain. Well, it wasn’t anything like that. It annoys me that people automatically think that I should probably be admitted, that I should have my responsibilities revoked, that I’m insane. But as I mentioned before… I suffer in silence. I keep my loved ones out of my head. I’m responsible and knowledgeable enough to know when I need to go for a drive or need to seek professional help. I know when it is beyond my control and becomes very serious. So, my readers, do not worry about me losing my mind and putting myself or anyone in danger.
I have to admit my mental break down worried me. I noticed something wasn’t right around 1:00pm, it was when I noticed my arms and legs felt extremely weak, my chest felt tight, heart racing, I felt nauseous and worst of all, strung out. I realized I was experiencing symptoms of anxiety. I then reflected on my day to realized I had been having severe mood swings all day… happy, irritable, rage, sad, irritable, worried, happy, rage, sad, irritable, etc. In a matter of 30 minutes, I felt all of those emotions, that’s how fast they were changing. My first thought was “Oh fuck, what is going on. Something is wrong.” Which caused me to start to panic. I was at work so I was having to keep my composer somewhat but so much was going on in my head, every now and then I would slip up and show the emotion I was feeling. I knew something wasn’t right. Something was causing this. I had been taking my medication religiously, I had no sudden drastic changes in my life. I couldn’t put my finger on what was happening.
I went in to survival mode. I’m good at faking being ok, so I kept telling myself to get through work, I’d feel better when I got home, away from the stressful environment. I skipped my chiro appointment and went to yoga right away. I was trying not to freak myself out, not think about the control I was losing on my mind, the control I had worked so hard for. I thought of nothing until I was laying on my yoga mat. I laid there taking deep breathes but it wasn’t working. Half way through the practice I wanted to leave but I forced myself to continue, even though my legs shook the whole time. I couldn’t get my balance in check. My body was failing me now as well. Once I was done, I walked outside and tried so hard not to cry. I sat in my car thinking what I needed to do to calm down. It was the first time in 6 years I felt like I was losing control…I couldn’t figure out how to fix myself this time. I know what to do when I’m anxious, when I’m depressed, when I’m manic, when I’m sad, when I’m irritable, when I’m dealing with my Bipolar Disorder. I did not know what to do when I was feeling all of those at once! And when the moods were swinging as fast as they were. My head was literally hurting. Luckily, after sitting for a few minutes and deciding I was going to take a long shower when I got home, I started to feel a little bit better. When I got home, I had that long hot shower. I felt my mind start to relax. I got out, put on my comfiest PJ’s, made tea, ate a bit (my body was all of a sudden starving once I calmed down) and read my book.
I’m thankfully feeling better today, but I still feel a bit off. I think the scariest part about yesterday was how helpless I felt, I was at the mercy of my mind… my biggest fear coming to life. I got a taste of it yesterday and I never want to taste it again.
Throughout the day yesterday, as I was trying to figure out what was wrong, I remembered a term I had come across a few months ago, PMDD – Premenstrual dysphoric disorder. If you have never heard of it like I hadn’t, it’s when you experience mood swings, depression, anxiety, lack of interest in usual life, appetite changes, feeling overwhelmed, lethargic, difficulty concentrating, joint pain, breast tenderness and a few more, 1-2 weeks before your period and then once your period arrived, symptoms subsided. It’s not your usual moodiness, it’s more intense, it’s basically me if I wasn’t on medication. I decided to look it up the symptoms, opened my period tracker app (Clue! It’s awesome) and I then realized I had started experiencing mood swings last Wednesday… a week and a half out from my next period. I then realized… this has been happening for awhile. I looked up the symptoms of PMDD… I was able to check off all 11. It all made sense now. I wasn’t losing my mind… IT WAS MY FUCKING PERIOD. God I hate that bitch even more. I have always wished to get my ovaries out because they were more of a pain in the ass than good, and if I’m not having kids I have 0 purpose for them. Book me in for a hysterectomy!!!
I’m kidding about the surgery but in all seriousness, I’m happy I’m 90% sure that’s whats going on because otherwise I feel great. So I told my boyfriend I will be going to see my psychiatrist so I can officially get diagnosed. Get some pills to numb me for the week before my period. Fucking hormones! I’m currently excited to get my period so this madness will stop, any day now! Tomorrow I will be back to myself hopefully, for sure after work because I’m taking the cutest little girl on a fun girls date. Just the 2 of us ❤
Anyway, that was my mental break down. I hope to get definite answers soon. I hope to never experience that again. Kind of sucks something else is wrong with me but hey, it’s only a short period of time, it is what it is. Nov 20th I’ll be back in the gym and eating better, have a better routine again, so all will be good.
Better days are always ahead.
ALSO!!!! MAKE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK. IT’S A SURPRISE 😀
I also promised my boyfriend to write about something happier next time. LOL, so I will.