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Stupid

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Today I told my boyfriend, “Let me be angry.” Whenever I get upset about something, he’ll talk me down and try to make me feel better. But today, I needed to be angry. I needed to feel. When I’m feeling too bottled up, I just need to be irrational for once. Keeping it all together gets exhausting after awhile. He was rooting for a happy blog post today, and I did say it would happen but when something effects me that shows an area of trouble, I gotta write it out. And this week… apparently cry it out. 

A long time ago, I got wind that a close “friend” of mine called me stupid behind my back. Like not saying I was a stupid bitch, they called me stupid as in I had low intelligence. I was dumb. For some reason, that has always stuck with me… since then I have questioned whether I’m smart enough. I HATE when I get something wrong. I’ll be 100% honest.. I’ll look up words or phrases that I know, but since I feel so shitty about my intelligence, I need to double check I’m not about to make myself look stupid. I HATE being questioned because I get anxiety worrying about whether I know the answers to everything. Every day I have this dark cloud hanging over my head worrying about being good enough, having enough knowledge to get through the day. 

Unfortunately, my insecurity decided it was time to shine this week. I got defensive because I thought I was being degraded.. put in my rightful place of trailer park white trash. Showed I’m not up par and never would be.

You see, I’m around lots of smart people. My family and my friends, all intelligent. So having this insecurity around smart people, I get very defensive if I ever feel my intelligence is being mocked or questioned. I then struggle with.. Is it just me feeling this way or is this person legit meaning I’m stupid? I’ve been treated like fucking garbage in my past and I tolerated it. But after that I promised myself to never EVER let someone degrade me again and to cut those people out of my life IMMEDIATELY. No ones deserves to feel like that. So now I get stuck with this question, and since I’m an angry little bitch I usually jump to the worst case scenario, and cut people out without giving them a chance to explain. One part of me will say, “This is a problem inside yourself, let it go.” but my ego says, “Don’t you dare let anyone get away with treating you like shit. Be angry. Fuck them!” 

As I sit here writing and I know that this is a problem within myself… but that little devil in me says “You don’t need this in your life. Run. Start a new life away from bullshit.” It makes me feel sick. I used to think that a way to fix this issue would be to go to school and get a fancy job, because that’s what society teaches us, right? That is what success is. The fact I have common sense, graduated with honors and can complete what ever I’m interested in or put my mind to, apparently means anything to my stubborn brain. But I really think the best way to fix it is… to not give a fuck what anybody thinks of you. 

My recent accident showed me that tomorrow isn’t promised and to just live for YOU. Recently, I’ve started for forget that. I’ve started listening to the bullshit, caring about what people think of me, wanting to control everything that is out of my control, I’ve been feeling not good enough and this all fills me with so much anger and frustration. I look at my hand and feel guilty for the way I’ve been acting, being angry at people who don’t deserve it. I’ve turned ugly. I feel like there is poison running through my veins. Then I start to feel more anger and hatred toward myself. Hating my mind for the way it is. Hating myself for feeling all these feelings. Hating myself for taking advantage of my life.  

The best way to be happy is to not care so much. Stop caring about what others think. Stop caring about what is out of your control. Stop worrying. Stop second-guessing. Just think about you and do what’s best for you regardless of anyone else. If you do something “stupid”, who the fuck cares… you’ll learn from it. Learn to laugh at yourself. I used to hate the way I looked, until my accident, now I don’t fuckin care. An imperfection taught me to love myself for the way I am. You think by now I’d have learned to love my imperfect mind. 

All in all, I’m going to try to get back on track. Tell myself “Don’t give a fuck.” and be on my merry way. I’m going to get my ass started in the gym to get rid of all this negative energy and to calm my mind. What I’m thankful for is being able to own my faults and then work on fixing them.

Don’t give a fuck and don’t let anyone mistreat you.

Time to take my own advice. 

X0.

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