Life Lessons

Grief

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Why hello! I can’t believe it’s been 2 weeks since I last wrote. I do apologize. ❤ I was getting ready for Christmas and had a loss in the family so life has been a bit crazy. I hope all is well with you and you are looking forward to the holidays, and if not, well at least some time off work to relax. Kick back and smoke a doobie… Fuck the last week I had and how busy I have been this week, I might have to take my own advice.

Unfortunately, today’s blog is written with a heavy heart. I had never really understood grief. I’ve found it’s something that needs to be experienced as an adult (for me at least) and everyone experiences it differently. I lost both Grandpas when I was in my early tweens/teens, I was very upset but I was young and busy with learning about life that I bounced back right away. I’ve known many friends who have lost people very close to them, as an adult now, I could never understand what they were feeling. Until Friday, when I got the call that my Grandma had passed away. The centre of my family, the glue, the woman who played a huge role in raising me, the one person I thought would always be here. When I heard the news, I felt my cheeks go tingly, anxiety kicking in then I sat down and sobbed, remembering the last time I saw her. My Grandma who never cries, hugged me so tight and told me how much she missed me and loved me, started to tear up. That’s my last memory of her, and I couldn’t be more thankful.

The memory is also a bit bittersweet… you see, I was angry at my Grandma, I had been angry for years. The reasons are not worth mentioning, too long of a story, and too little meaning now. I was once very close with her, and even lived with her for a short period, we would do lunches/dinners, hangout and just talk, I helped her at the place she volunteered, we talked and hung out like best friends, and growing up her home was always a place of comfort and food, plenty of food… But eventually my anger took over, and I didn’t put in an effort to see her anymore, not for the last 6 years. When I got the call…I was not only hit with grief, I was punched in the gut with guilt. I missed out on making more memories with her all because of my anger. The one thing I can be grateful for is that she never knew. Now the immature/angry part of me tells myself “Now you pay the price.” But it’s the mature/growing part of me that is saying “Now you have learned the lesson.”

I have learned how empty anger is. It serves no purpose and if coupled with a grudge, makes you lose out on people and on life. I’m honestly exhausted from holding so much anger in me, I don’t have the energy these days. The fire/rage I had inside me is nothing but smoke now. It sucks that it takes losing someone special to you, for you to open your eyes and realize what needs to be changed and/or healed, and how precious life is. I’m done being angry. I’m ready to let go of this weight I have carried all these years. I’m ready to make an effort to keep my family together, since the person who held us together is no longer here. As fucked up as my life has been, I’m ready to forgive and move on.

When it comes to my grief, I know this is something I will learn to live with. The tightness in my chest will one day ease, the random moments of tears will stop and the hole in my life will be filled with me teaching my stepdaughter, my child, the things my Grandma used to do. For the time being, I have been putting up some of my Grandmas stuff around the house, to remember her, to remember her favorite time of year, and to feel her close to me. What helps me accept that she is no longer here is how I know, with every fibre of my being, that she is resting in peace.

Tell Grandpa I say Hi ❤

X0.





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