I am the storm, BITCH!
Happy New Year!! I hope everyone had a happy and safe new year and didn’t get into the sauce too much :p. Let me tell you, I LOVE a new year. It forces me to take time and reflect on myself and on life. 2018 was a year full of so much personal growth, I am not the same person I was January 2018. Another thing I love about a new year is that the self-reflection allows me to set new goals. This year, each goal will have a plan so I can set myself up for success and also trackers, to keep me motivated and give me a visual on where I’m struggling. I’m excited for the new year and I’m excited to become someone who is a finisher and not the “girl who cried wolf” anymore.
But first, I wanted to take some time to reflect on 2018 and some highlights that really changed who I am.
First and the most obvious was losing my fingers on my left hand. Prior to the accident, I had been trying so hard to be happy and positive but something felt off, I just wasn’t feeling it in my heart. Going through a traumatic accident opened up my eyes. I realized life is too short, stop worrying about what other people think, stop worrying about what is out of your control, worry about MYSELF, take care of myself, stop giving so many fucks (I care way too much lol) and best of all love myself… I don’t worry about my looks nearly as much as I used to, I love me for the way I am now, even though I am a little different. The appearance of my hand doesn’t bother me at all. If people want to judge, that’s on them and not on me.
With my accident that happened in March, I went into summer with a goal to live each day to the fullest, which ended up with me having the busiest and one of the most fun summers of my life. By the end, I had burnt myself out (it was worth it) and started to get into some old negative thought patterns. I went through a depressive/grouchy phase and then my next life lesson presented itself…
My grandma had passed away. As I mentioned in my previous post, she was a huge part of raising me and we were very close until 6 years ago. Out of respect for her, I won’t be getting into why I was angry with her, why I felt unloved… but regardless, her passing really rocked me and I realized how empty anger really is. I have held so much anger over the years, I’ve mentioned in my previous blog posts that it was something I felt helpless in fixing. I didn’t know where to start to even fix it. It took losing someone who held a big place in my heart to be able to start healing that part of me. I will always struggle with the guilt of losing precious time with her, I will always feel an emptiness in my heart where she used to be but I will also feel a calmness knowing she is at peace now.
All in all, 2018 was a year I can look back on and say “That was the year I healed the most.” I feel different. I feel humbled. I feel at peace. I don’t feel weighed down by anger gnawing deep down in me. I finally love myself and who I’m becoming. I’m ready for whatever life throws at me. I’m ready for whatever mood swing my mind wants to do. I now understand my life has brought me to this point and I’m ok with wherever it goes next. I’m learning to trust the process.
So for 2019, I’m ready to be better. There is always room for improvement. I want to know my bipolar disorder better this year. I want to love myself better this year. I want to let things go better this year. I want to complete my goals better. I want to use my time better. I want to be a friend better. I want to love better. I want to parent better. I want to eat better. I want to organize better. I want to manage my money better. All around, I want to work on being the best version of myself. I want to be better.
I have many goals this year, they are attainable if I put my mind to it and properly plan to achieve them. I will be setting up trackers and within those trackers will have rewards (thanks for the great idea from a friend at work) and also punishments to help keep me motivated and to help build healthy habits. My biggest obstacle is going to be my mind. My bipolar disorder puts me into depression, laziness, negative thought patterns, binge eating etc… I am determined to make sure my disorder doesn’t win anymore. I am going to focus on myself in those moments and work my ass off to beat them. My mind is something that I will always be constantly learning about and trying to overcome. Bipolar Disorder is something I will have to fight with for the rest of my life and I plan to master it.
So my biggest goal this year is to finally complete the goal I always set for myself, lose the extra weight off my midsection. January is all about setting up a meal plan that I can be successful at even on my laziest of days, set up a workout plan and set up my trackers for healthy habits. Some examples of trackers are; Drink 4 water bottles a day, wake up at 5am, bath/face mask 1-2 times a week, meet step goal, workout, decrease time on phone and be on time for work (a bad habit I need to break :p). All of those go hand-in-hand with living a healthy lifestyle. With a healthy lifestyle comes a balanced mind, an easier way to stabilize my moods and hopefully a fuckin rockin body. I am determined to be successful, for as why I am taking this month to plan.
Making a plan to be better. To feel better. To live better.
This Bipolar Biotch is ready for 2019. Lets hope I can make it through this year with all my body parts. HAHA!
I am the storm, BITCH!