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My Mind is Fucking Delicate

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Sometimes I get too comfortable being stable. Sometimes I think I’ve figured myself out. Sometimes I forget the grip this disorder has on me… always will have on me.

I’ve been feeling good lately. Sometimes too good. I question if I’m manic and if I’m just feeling the tip of the iceberg and my lithium is keeping the rest from surfacing. I’ve been having mini mood swings… like little blips. I noticed they were first appearing if I was hungry, which was no big deal, easy to fix. Then I noticed they were becoming more sporadic and 2-5 a day… Sigh.

This is where my disorder gets frustrating. I’m at a point where I can now recognize my moods, the swings and the if they are valid. The hard part to master is figuring out the cause and how to fix it. Right now, I think my cause is starting to exercise. Sounds weird right? Well, not really. My Psychologist told me the most important things in life when dealing with a mental disorder is routine, healthy food and exercise… But to be careful with exercise because it can make me manic. And well… here I am.

This is why jumping into things just doesn’t work for me, my mind can’t handle it. It’s fucking delicate apparently. I must proceed with caution for the rest of my life.

What I THINK has happened is I have been pushing myself too hard everyday. Everyone who has worked out knows that feeling of euphoria after a killer work out. Well I’ve been pushing myself to keep up in these competition things on my Fitbit, which then makes experience that feeling multiple times a day. I’m thinking this is causing too much fluctuation in my moods which is then causing me to go into a manic state. My mind can handle the workout euphoria, just not multiple times a day. My mind prefers consistency and balance. (Needy bitch)

So basically I’m feeling too happy at times and then being highly irritable for a few minutes and then normal all in between. At least now I am able to recognize I’m being a crabby little bitch for nothing and I talk myself out of it… tell myself to “Act right!” And so that is a day in the life of a Bipolar Biotch right now. Lol.

Needless to say, I’m looking forward to this weekend. I’m going to chill the fuck out. Get back into regular routine, and not push myself as hard. Hopefully this fixes the issue. Hopefully this manic episode fucks right off.

Now I need to go do steps because I’m not a quitter these days. :p

Peace out. x0.

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