What is obsessive thinking? Well for me… it comes in 2 forms, and it happens when I’m not in the best state of mind.
The first one is when I think about things that are out of my control or really aren’t even important. If I feel I’ve hurt someone, I’ll feel bad and constantly think of how I could have could have said something differently, obsess about changing the past, obsess about something I can’t even change. When I have let my temper or “bitchiness” show, I will then obsess about how they must think I’m crazy, beat myself up over losing control and feel uncomfortable and unstable. I will become very indecisive about what to eat, buy, wear or how I put my makeup or hair… and once I make a decision, I go back and forth about whether it was the right one. I also recently found myself obsessing about how many posts likes I got, or how many people viewed my blog. I would even scroll and compare my post to someone else’s… That’s when I knew I had a bit of a problem and how this post came to be.
(Side note: It’s kind of funny when you think about it, I find problems about myself and then I know what to write. LOL!)
The second one is when I’m angry… I’ll obsess over an incident, I’ll fill in the blanks and assume that they are probably talking shit behind my back. I’ll create this situation in my mind that paints an evil person out to get me. I won’t listen to reason. I literally work myself up over something that is probably nothing, I make myself psychically ill (Feels like an anxiety/panic attack)… all because I obsessively think about what just happened and assume the worst. My irritation turns into anger then into rage. It doesn’t help when I take things personally either! (Working on that)
When I get this way, I feel like I get stuck in a loop. I’ve found the only way out is by relaxing, taking a bath, talking to my boyfriend (he’s a great therapist lol), and just taking some time and walking away from the situation and/or focusing on something else. I honestly hate this part of me, I’ve never told anyone about it because of the fear of being judged… But people with anxiety get it, so by me having it with bipolar, there shouldn’t be a harsher judgement.
Having said all of that, the reason this came about was because I noticed I was obsessively checking my phone. I was looking at my likes on my blog posts, my views, comparing post to someone else’s post, etc… I noticed at one point that as I was scrolling my feed that I was having this feeling of need, like I was scrolling to get some kind of fulfillment but no matter how much I did it, I wasn’t getting that fix.
That’s when I realized something had to change.
One of my goals this year was to build my blog more, be more active on my blog pages and push to become a bigger voice. But with this recent feeling of obsession, I had to figure out what goals were important to me, and what goals aligned with who I truly was and who I am working towards being.
I realized time spent on my phone was time being taken away from my relationship, family, friends, and my goals. What’s important to me is what’s around me and not what’s on my phone (Unless it’s a book :p). I have this vision of who I want to be and I want to be a person of substance. I want my life and relationships to have meaning and not come from an electronic device. I don’t want my stepdaughter to have memories of me on my phone when I could have been making memories with her. I want to read and journal regularly, have an organized home, a garden that I tend to, exercise often, enjoy the outdoors, and make memories that aren’t always captured. If I am on my phone, it’s to research and to bring me closer to my goals and/or to keep in touch with my loved ones. Anything else would be taking me away from who I am working on being, taking me away from my goals, from being productive and taking me away from the important people around me.
So I’ve started to disconnect. To do a detox I guess you could say. I don’t go on my phone until lunch for a few minutes (unless to talk to a friend/family member), then again when I get home. I’m still going to obviously keep my blog going and my social media pages, but I’ve removed it from my goal list. I’ll make a post and walk away. I don’t care to become a bigger voice anymore, I’m happy with how things are. I’m happy I have a platform to share my story and even if it’s a couple people who read, that’s more than I could have ever asked for. It’s become more of a therapeutic outlet for me. Being off my phone, I already notice how much more productive I am, I have less stress, and less anxiety. Its been about a week and I feel so much better. My head feels clear. I feel relaxed and pleased with all that I have been getting done. I didn’t realize how needed this was. This is who I want to be.
I think all this also made me realize how important my goals are to me. How important a lot of things are to me. How much I have been putting myself to the side. This realization has made me want to become a bit of a hermit. I feel myself withdrawing. I have a bad habit of making so many plans that I end up not having time to work on my own goals. Then I look at my life after all that fun I planned, and it’s a mess. Don’t get me wrong, I love keeping busy, but I just feel the need to take a step back for a bit and spend time at home. It could be the weather, it could be that I’m growing up, it could be that I’m just a bit tired, and maybe I’m sick of making goals and not completing them. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I had a whole weekend with 0 plans and had time to just lay around and watch movies, had time to just BE. I fantasize about that. I want more of those. I want more days of doing nothing this year. More days to recharge. My mind needs more.
I guess it’s time to be a hermit and focus on my goals until summer hits. It’s inevitable that it will be busy once that sun is shining and I’ll definitely be recharged by then.
I hope this “less phone” thing sticks. I’ll have more free time and be able to learn even more about myself… which I love doing, as you know :p.
I think we all need to learn to get off our phones more. We wonder why mental health illnesses are on the rise when we are constantly seeking unhealthy gratification and comparing our lives to others. We scroll aimlessly looking for what exactly? Something to justify our own lives? A reason to dislike our own lives? Reasons to be angry with the world? Reasons to be angry with ourselves? Are you looking for your tribe? For a friend? Or are you looking for what you dislike about yourself? Is there a deeper meaning? A deeper issue? Are you faking it or falling for the fake?
We experience so many emotions… so many emotions that don’t serve us or that we could experience better with a human/real life connection. We are pushing ourselves to the limits for what benefit? Really ask yourself when you are on your phone next, how is it benefiting you? How did it make your life better? Do you feel better or worse? Do you feel fulfilled?
Rediscover yourself off your phone. When you put it down, do you feel lost and not know what to do with yourself? Bored? Here are some ideas…
Pick up a new hobby.
Read a book.
Make goals – Focus on your goals.
Spend time with your kids.
Spend time with your partner.
Spend time with your friends or family.
Go for a walk/workout.
Go out to eat.
Get. A. Life.
Do something that makes you engage in the real world around you.
I know I’m not the only one with the addiction these days. As I said for New Years… I want to be better.
So that’s what I’m going to do.