Blog, Depression, Life Lessons

Regrets? I have a few.

February has been shit to say the least. I find January and February to be the most trying months when it comes to my moods. I think next year I might be proactive and up my meds before winter lol. January wasn’t as bad, but this month… fuck, so shitty moodwise. You would think it would be a great month because it has mine and my boyfriends anniversary, my birthday, Valentines day and my stepdaughters birthday… a month full of love.

It’s really been a month full of high-functioning depression. It hit me hardest this last week. I could feel it all throughout my body, weakness in the arms and legs, 0 motivation, oversleeping, constantly tired, crying episodes (although those are secret :p) and stressing about shit that isn’t even worth stressing about. What I noticed with each of my depressive episodes is that my mind always likes to bring up shit I would never think about and/or make little issues seem huge. Each time I focus on little problems in my life (relationship, friendships, housework or stuff I’ve been wanting to get done) and make them huge problems, or I focus on what I haven’t accomplished in my life (school, babies, career), if I’m a good parent to my stepdaughter and, recently, my regrets.

The theme for this depressed episode was regret. I have been obsessing about all the things I could have done differently, been angry at myself for doing things I shouldn’t have done or reacting a certain way, I even brought myself to tears over an incident or two when I was out of line. I felt so much guilt and thought about how much I wish I could change it. How much it was not who I am.

Is that healthy? Is that realistic? No.

Today, I’m starting to feel better and I have 2 thoughts. 1. When people tell me they have no regrets, my first question is HOW?! Do you feel all your actions in life have been warranted? Do you think you have lived a perfect life? Are you in denial? Have you come to terms with your mistakes? Have you decided not to give a fuck? Have you ever had regrets or have you just moved passed them? and my 2nd thought is… I need to move the fuck on because there is absolutely no reason why I should carry these burdens. Exactly like resentment, regret holds no value. I need to let it go and move forward without holding on to more new ones. The thing with regret is that you can’t change it, it just causes you pain, the only thing it is good for is teaching you lessons. And that’s just what I need to do, learn and move on. I also need to stop letting fear hold me back and just go after what I want. Who cares how many times I fail. It’s better than adding to all the regrets I already have. What is that word? Ambition? Ya, I need more of that in me. More ambition, more bravery, less fucks given.

So as the darkness starts to lift from me, the weight of my regrets don’t seem so heavy and my heart doesn’t ache so much. I can start to get back to feeling like me again and get back to my goals. It’s so easy to talk about pushing through depression when I’m not in that state of mind, but when it hits, it is something that has so much power. After dealing with this for 6 years, at times I have to stop trying to fight it off and just roll with it. Fighting it off sometimes causes me more stress which adds fuel to the fire. This darkness has become a part of me but now I know when it comes, it’s not here to stay. ALSO, I have noticed these episodes are starting to show an area of myself that I need to work on. This darkness that comes over me seems to be there to teach me lessons these days.

Maybe my depression isn’t ALL bad.

Maybe one day I can be one of those people who can say that I have no regrets.

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