-Monday Feb 25/19
Feel very weak, constantly yawning, depressed, mentally exhausted, 0 drive, all I want to do is lay down and sleep. Thought of quitting my job all morning so I can stay home and stay in bed. Feeling overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done this week. Wanting to be left alone for a month or so. Don’t want to deal with life. Wanting to not feel like this but having no motivation to change it. Beating myself up for not sticking to my goals/new habits. Not eating better, still drinking too much and not exercising. Going to go home and sleep before trying to do anything around the house/make supper.
Had an hour nap, felt a bit better. Started to do my Taxes and got frustrated, cried and yelled at my boyfriend. Half hour later felt extremely guilty and cried some more. I apologized before we fell asleep.
-Tuesday Feb 26/19
Apologized again to my boyfriend and we explained ourselves in a more appropriate manner. Still low energy. 0 Motivation. Tried to get out of going to my stepdaughters basketball so I could go home to bed. Decided to get a energy drink to tough it out. Felt better once I got there and happy I went. Experienced some anxiety but it was either that or no energy. I picked, what I thought was, the lesser of 2 evils. Had energy to make supper and watched a movie with my love. Slept like shit because he was a blanket hog all night :p
-Wednesday Feb 27/19
Still feeling lethargic. Motivation is maybe 10%.. better than 0. Wrote out my to do list for the rest of the week. Going to push through because I need to get this stuff done and I’m thinking I will feel better. If I do feel better.. next week I hope to be back on my regular schedule/goals/building new healthy habits. My house is a mess right now, just like my mind. Hopefully cleaning it up will make it me feel less cluttered as well.
Evening – Had a bad day at work, self inflicted with my rapid thinking/jumping to conclusions. Surprisingly, it lit a fire under my ass to clean. I like to use cleaning as a way to blow off steam. It was a huge success that I cleaned the kitchen, swept and mopped the hallways, did a load of laundry and cleaned the bathroom except for the tub (doing that today). Most I have done in 3 weeks and it felt good. Even made supper from scratch! Was a good end to a bad day.
-Thursday Feb 28/19
Feeling better today. Motivation up to 70%. Not feeling nearly as lethargic. Started the day with racing thoughts/over thinking. Realized I needed to calm my mind down and focus. Put on one of my favorite podcasts to help ease my thoughts, Oprah Super Soul Sunday with Byron Katie – Set yourself free. It was exactly what I needed to listen to!! It was about being in the moment and questioning negative thoughts instead of believing them and running with it. I just read about that in a DBT therapy book I’ve been reading, Calming the Emotional Storm by Sheri Van Dijk. Today, it has been helping me. I stop my thoughts before they run away on me and it has helped. This is a new habit I need to form in order to find balance and stop these racing thoughts in the future. It is now 3:48pm and it is the most calm I have felt in weeks, the most I have felt like myself and my head doesn’t feel like it’s swimming. Deep breaths, happy thoughts and when a negative thought comes up, question it and focus on reality… nothing else matters. I have lots of shopping and chores to after work. Hope this motivation sticks around.
–Friday March 01/19
Well got my shopping and all the cleaning I wanted to do last night. Huge success for me. I was so busy getting my shit done, I forgot to post my blog LOL! Anyway, it was all good, many more successes to celebrate that outshine my little oopsie. This morning I woke up feeling 100% normal!!!!! Weeks of feeling off and depressed with moments of anxiety is finally over!! Feels so good to be me again! I’m going to work on that being the worst part of my year, only going up from here. Now it’s time to get back on track with my goals and new habits since I have the energy to do so now. Feels so good to be back ♡