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Silence

If you knew me, you’d know I love music. I like it loud, I want to feel it under my skin, I lose myself in it. So when I’m home alone, I take the opportunity to be completely surrounded by my favorite tunes while getting stuff down around the house… belting out every line and dancing my ass off.

But I have good and bad days when my mind is so loud, that I don’t notice I am in complete silence. This happened yesterday, and it made me think of other times I’ve had this happen.

It happens when I am very depressed or very anxious… I will be driving in silence, completely consumed by my thoughts and not realize I haven’t turned the radio on until I get to my destination. Then there are times like yesterday, I was half way through dinner and realized I had no music on but I was okay with that. My mind was running through what needed to be done for the week; chores, helping my hubby pack for his fishing trip, pack for our fishing trip when he gets back and fitting in my self-care and workouts. I can’t help but wonder how the fuck people throw kids into the mix yet lol. But I guess your priorities change. When I have my step-daughter, I try to do as little around the house as possible so I can spend time with her, but if we had her more I would need to learn how to find a new balance. Anyway! Getting back on topic, I made sure to check-in and make sure I wasn’t feeling erratic and in a state of mania. It was then I realized I was feeling content and stable while planning out my week and routine.

See, I can have the symptoms of a manic episode but not actually be manic. My thoughts were racing around my “To Do” list, I was running around all over the house getting shit done but I was calm and happy. If I was manic, I would feel like a walking vibrator, easily distracted, short tempered, drinking, mind running across all sorts of different topics, increased speech, and little need for sleep.

But yesterday, I was in the zone getting shit done. No distractions or interruptions, being productive and for once… feeling completely normal.

In silence and solitude ❤


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