Blog, Life Lessons

To Baby or Not To Baby – Part 2

When you ask most women if they want to have kids, without skipping a beat, they say yes. What a beautiful feeling it must be to be so sure of such a big decision. That is a hard place for me to get to. It’s a big decision and children are not easy. Do the sacrifices outweigh the rewards? Do I feel it is my sole purpose in life? Do I want to bring a child into an ugly world that continues to become uglier? I can answer all those questions with a solid no. Yes, sometimes I feel like I’m broken because this is something that we, as women, are taught is supposed to happen. We are born with that motherly touch, nurturing, loving and willing to bring life into this world. I sometimes feel ashamed even, why don’t I want this? Why do I feel like it’s something I have to force? You know, I used to say that I wanted kids when I was in highschool… I now feel like I was just saying it to fit in but the words really never reached my heart.

To me, the need to have a child should come from a healthy place inside you and only bring a child into this world if you are 100% ready. Many people will disagree with that because children can be “accidents.” But those are the terms I go with and those terms are because I came from a broken home so I don’t want to make the same mistake my parents did, they weren’t ready. If I am not 100% sure that I want a child and I go and have one, I have already failed as a parent. It would not be, and is not, fair to the child. That being said, since my shitty upbringing was due to my parents mistakes, I don’t want to have a child to right the wrongs of my past. I want to have a child because I’m happy, financially stable and wholeheartedly want to start a family with my spouse. The thing is with that, even though not conventional to some… I already have a family.

My childhood broke me. I know it is a large part of the reason why I have always struggled with this decision. I was not only sexually abused, I was sexually abused by my parent. Coming to terms with and accepting what happened created a fear in me that I would one day do something to my own child. What happened ruined the parts of me that are supposed to be affectionate and trusting, the parts of me that are used for motherhood. My vision of healthy parents/role models became skewed, to say the least. If things at home would have been different, I would have turned out very different as well. That situation made me think I was a monster myself, like I’ve said in my previous blog. But becoming a stepmother changed that… I discovered I wasn’t a monster, learned how to love, be supportive and patient and learned my place in my stepdaughters life. I notice now that I took a lot of my parenting knowledge from my uncle and the fun parts of my mom, combined the 2 with my amazing (lol) personality and, voila!, a badass stepmom was born!

Living in that shit show, I would fantasize about what I wanted my life to be like when I was older. I wanted a home that I felt safe in, a husband who was just as crazy about me as I was him, a family who loved me and to make memories with, a dog or cat, a garden, a batch of friends to have girls nights with and in-laws that made me feel like part of a family. Most people dream about fancy jobs, fast cars and a house too big for them. What I wanted was normalcy. I just wanted a place that felt like my home, filled with love and happiness. Cheesy, I know, but I went to bed too many nights feeling all too alone in a place I didn’t feel welcomed. I was a burden since the day I was born. So when I look at my life now, I have it all and more. I have a family, a stepdaughter I love as my own, a cat, a home that I feel safe in, a man who would do anything on earth for me, in-laws that took me in and the best group of friends to grow old with. I’m proud of what I have and so so fucking thankful because too many people take having a normal and happy home/life for granted. So how could I ever ask for life to give me even more? I don’t feel like anything is missing. I am happy. There’s that saying, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

With all that being said, I can’t deny that I have moments of yearning for a baby of my own. Just a few weeks ago I was at the hairdressers and across from me was a little boy, 3 or 4 years old, whimpering with terror about his hair being cut. His mom beside him, telling him it’s going to be ok while holding his hand. I couldn’t help but think how cute he was because his cries were over something so innocent. It was then, in that moment, that I got that familiar feeling of yearning to have a child of my own. My own to comfort, my own to hold their hand through life’s obstacles big and small. The feeling came up again about a week later, when my boyfriend was helping our friends kid decorate her Easter egg. He was quick to jump to help as soon as she called for her mom. I watched as that feeling crept back inside my heart and I let myself wonder what our child would turn out like. If anyone knows my boyfriend, he is not very keen on having another child. So seeing him with her was heartwarming. We have had a discussion that if I ever change my mind, it is a bridge we will cross when we get there… together. Its these moments that sometimes confuse me, but then again… that’s all that they are, moments.

Although, those moments of yearning never stay around long enough to manifest into anything. Yes, it would be cool to see what a child that my boyfriend and I made would turn out like. Yes, I worry about not experiencing all those firsts, teaching them life lessons, comparing them to myself or my boyfriend, being the one they look to for those big and little moments. I worry about a lot. I overthink a lot lol. I have to remind myself that I have been in my stepdaughters life since she was 5. I have experienced having a young child already. I can tell you I regret not appreciating my her younger years more because I miss them. I miss the crafts, toys, games and watching her learn and grow. I have to find forgiveness because during those years I was trying to figure out my place in her life and learning how to be a stepmom. Not be so hard on myself and wishing I had been better. I’m at a point now where I am proud and happy being a stepmom. Lots of people say it’s different with your own and maybe it is… But I honestly have no interest in finding out and comparing because I like being a stepmom and my stepdaughter is so awesome, yes I’m biased but she truly is. Never had a temper-tantrum or made me feel like an impostor being in her life. We clicked from day 1! She is my child, my pride, my love, my #1.

To sum this all up, my life has no room for a baby. If I want a child and I was forced to choose between my boyfriend and having a baby, I would choose my boyfriend a 1000x over. Risk having a child with a man who could possibly cheat or treat me life shit? Fuck that, no thank you. My man treats me like gold, I could never give him up. He is my world, saw the best in me when I was at my lowest and has given me a safe and comfortable home to flourish in, no child in my womb is worth more than that. Another sacrifice I could not do is give up time with my stepdaughter. A baby would take me away from her and I don’t want that. I look to my future and I don’t see a mini me running around, I see her. I see sports, firsts as a teen and adult, graduations, weddings, possibly grandbabies, camping trips, girls trips, girls dates, family get togethers, game nights, you name it… all I see is her.Yes, I have worries since I am the stepmom, I’m disposable. She has no obligation to stay in touch with me once she turns 18 or if anything happens to her Dad. I worry I’ll be left alone because I’ll probably have no children of my own. No one to visit me, no grandbabies to visit, no immediate family, no one to pass anything onto and no one to take care of things when I’m gone. These thoughts creep into my mind once in a blue moon and I always have to remind myself of 2 things. 1. this can happen to kids of your own and 2. What I can not control should not be in my mind. What I can do is be the best stepmom I can be and everything will work out the way it should.

Very often stepparents don’t get enough credit. I am not your average parent, no, but I am still a parent nonetheless. Just because I haven’t had a child come out of my womb doesn’t make me any less of a parent. Just like not wanting a child coming out of my womb doesn’t make me any less of a woman. Right now, a baby isn’t for me. Being a stepmom is more than enough. I don’t need to have a baby to become a parent, I already am one. My family, my friends, my life, are everything I need right now… everything my mind needs. I’m still young enough to change my mind one day but for now, “not to baby” it is.

P.S: I’m pretty good at making food babies though… 😛

Xo.

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