Blog, Life Lessons

75 Days

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I’ve been stable for 75 days. Hard work and taking care of my needs has made that happen. Until a few days ago, I have been enjoying the peacefulness, enjoying the calm, enjoying feeling like a normal person. Instead of trying to survive day to day and dealing with my Bipolar, I finally have time to look at other aspects of myself and my life and get into some self-development. This last week I have started to feel a little lost. Usually I’m busy with my racing mind but I feel like I have all this open space in my head, what should I do now?! So yesterday, I took an hour and a half long walk, listened to self-development podcasts and decided it’s time to work on the parts of me I do not enjoy, aren’t nice and stem from a life long ago.

I can pinpoint what I need to work on and there are 2 things that go hand in hand, my self worth and my anger. I searched Brene Brown because a couple of friends had suggested I listen to her. I found a 2 part podcast with her and Oprah and, even though it wasn’t sad, on the 2nd part they were talking about self-worth and I teared up because it spoke to me… I do not feel I am worthy of a lot of things. I do not feel good enough. I was who they were talking about. I tear up even now because it is a something I feel so deeply. I think of why I am where I am and it’s solely because I don’t think I am good enough to go for what I want. I get defensive, I get angry, I get upset, I feel I need to put others down so I can feel above them if anyone ever makes me feel lesser than. Ugly right? This needs to be fixed and what a perfect time to do so. I want to be kinder and gentler. I want to be wholeheartedly me. The podcasts also talked a lot about vulnerability and courage, 2 things I need to learn how to be. I need to learn how to fail and still love myself after, just let it go and move on. I need to be excited about others accomplishments and not look at them as someone trying to be better than me or make me feel not good enough. I need to really, like really fucking really, not give a shit what anyone else says or does. Their actions are not my life. My life is my life and that’s all I should worry about.

You see, I notice when I’m nasty…aka, a straight up bitch. I can’t help myself, I notice the same feeling come up every time and I just take the fucking plunge. I am so used to reacting instantly instead of taking some time and assessing the situation because… 99.9% of the time it’s not about me. My boyfriend/therapist (LOL) is the one who taught me that. He said to walk away, cool down and come back an hour later in a more calm state and then react if you even need to anymore. It works, I’ve tried it.. I just need to keep trying it. LOL. I tend to react instantly, and out of anger, if I feel my image or worth has been put down. But really, peoples words shouldn’t be having such a huge effect on me like that. I feel so weak in that part of me that I have an instant fight reaction to protect it. I don’t want to be nasty anymore, to be a total fucking cunt… because I can be. I want to be happy, fun, loving, passionate, empathetic and a joy to be around. I want to love all of me.

So the homework begins! Bring on the self-help books, the removing of negativity from social media and my life, the hard soul awakening days, the tears, the joy, the falls and the get back-ups. I’m sooooo ready to stop thinking I’m not good enough .

I am ready to bring on another 75 days of stability. I’m willing to work so fucking hard to make sure that happens. And how do I do that? The following are some ways that have helped me be successful over the last 75 days when I felt myself slipping into unhealthy territory:
1. When I get overwhelmed, I take a few deep breaths and focus on 1 thing at a time, rather than a jumble of things.
2. Exercise has been a great way to lift my moods. I not only feel happy but strong and confident.
3. Lowering junk food. Junk good is a trigger for me, makes me depressed and lethargic. It’s not worth it.
4. Well you all know I love to read so that’s a given.
5. When life feels like its moving too fast, or I have too much on my to do list. I am constantly reminding myself everything will be ok and to slow down. Not everything needs to be done right now and it’s ok to let things sit if I need that.
6. Freeing up my weekends so I have time for myself to do whatever my little heart desires.
7. Goes with 6… Spending time with my boyfriend. 2 weeks ago we worked on stuff around the house and then relaxed together in the evenings. It was so nice. He makes me feel so at ease and I am so thankful I have a great relationship with him. 1 less thing to worry about haha
8. Last but not least, I have been off of social media a lot more. I turned off my notifications and it’s bee a game changer. Its awesome!!

What I’m going to start doing more is:
1. Going for walks
2. Doing fun things and bonding with my stepdaughter… the warm weather will help!
3. Journaling more. Write more about gratitude, color, and more poems.
4. Wake up earlier to give myself some down time alone.

Well I’m sure you know I will be getting back to you on my progress with learning to love ALL of myself. I know I can sound like a broken record and repetitive, so thank you for sticking around while I work on myself and grow.

Enjoy the rest of the week and the upcoming long weekend ❤

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