Blog, Depression, Life Lessons

A Storm is Brewing

When life gets too busy, we tend to only make time for what needs to be done in that moment. We forget about our goals, what we need to work on with ourselves and our lives. As the storm calms, we then are left with the suppressed thoughts and feelings that we thought were of lesser value. So really, at the end of it all, a new storm awaits.

That is what I’m feeling in my mind… a storm is brewing. My lost goals, my failures, the ever-growing to do list, the need to get back in routine, the need to get life in order, and the constant battle against 2 words… “I’m tired.” To no surprise, I write this as I lay in bed, as the unpacked bins and bags wait for me in the hallway, the laundry piled downstairs, the kitchen and living room in disarray. The push-pull in my mind, get up and get it done to to leave it for tomorrow to to tomorrows extra work, and the inevitable guilt of not having it done already. I lay here with no desire to leave my bed, my sanctuary. I lay here, well aware, I am making my situation more stressful than it needs to be. My mind feels foggy, electric energy no where in sight, so how am I to rise?

Dealing with my downfalls for all of my life, I recognize this as another flaw to be fixed. I recognize things need to change. I recognize, as always, I am my own worst enemy. The fun, the booze, the fast lane, the little down time, the little sleep, all comes at a price… My sanity. 181 days of stability, gone. The jumble of thoughts and feelings that have been tucked away all this time are now starting to resurface and spill out as anger and irritability. It’s times like these that I crave an escape. Escape from the mess that I’ve made, the pressures I put on myself, the pressure to be at everyone’s beck and call, from the noise of the outside world and the noise from my mind. I crave silence.

I know it is too much to ask so I am left with how? How do I fix this? How do I not sink, but swim? Wise words that I have discussed in the past, wise words that I have learned that help when I feel overwhelmed… One step at a time, one focus at a time, one task at a time. Write it all down and one by one, cross it off. One by one, declutter the mind. One by one, take control.

So here I sit, with my growing list and my growing anxiety but don’t allow it to consume me. I don’t allow my mind to run wild this time. I feel it and let it go. One step at a time. I realize this should not only be applied to my cluttered life but to the old feelings and judgements I have noticed that have started to show themselves again. I guess old habits die hard. Old judgements of myself and others, old anger, old irritability, an old me I thought was gone.

So I begin old practices that work towards a goal of peacefulness, a goal with times of silence, a goal with organization, a goal with “me” time and a goal for a quieter mind. Allow to feel the feelings, breath and release them. Remember other peoples actions are not a reflection of who you are, but of who they are. Look at the positive in every situation. Don’t worry about what is out of your control. Be gentle. Be kind. Be happy. Mind your own business and don’t give a fuck.

So I’ll begin to tick off the boxes, and release the negativity. I will turn the storm into a mix of sun and cloud. No lightning, no thunder, no rain… just moments of clarity, moments of darkness while working towards clear skies, and better days.

x0.

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