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I’m Not “Reliable” Enough

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The people who are closest to you will hurt you the most and also be the hardest to forgive. This, I’ve learned.

You are born into the unconditional love and protection of your parents, but that is not always true. This, I’ve also learned.

Every time I try to find forgiveness, it seems to slip through my fingers like water. Every time I try to find the strength to do so, I am left defeated. I am left empty handed and angry.

When I am left alone with my thoughts, the words creep in and repeat over and over and over. Each time a little more painful, each time the knife in my back drives in a little deeper.

For the first time in a long time, I feel broken, confused and stuck. How can I move forward from this? Should I bear it all out here, today? Or should I just walk away and take the lesson learned? Do I remove them from my life entirely or accept them for the way they are, learn how not to be and keep them at a distance. I hate confrontation, do I make them pay with my words for the hurt they have caused? Or do I deal with my feelings and do what I know how to do best… ignore it all together. They would be left unscathed while I am to mend my broken heart, put the pieces back together once again. Every single time, a piece seems to go missing.

I get a call from a family member asking if I had spoken to my Dad (like I would have anything to say to him). The question was asked, because they had actually already spoken to him. They exchanged small talk and numbers then dinner sometime was offered. This phone call came from the same person who asked me why I didn’t tell them what happened to me when I was younger, why didn’t I come to THEM? THIS was why… Because now that they knew, they STILL entertained the idea of having dinner with someone who had touched a little girl… HER LITTLE GIRL. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! If anyone touched my daughter, all hell would be raised and blood would be drawn. Never mind fucking DINNER.

But that wasn’t the only knife in my back.

It started many months ago, but I just pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to walk down the path of understanding. Unfortunately, what I did not realize was that something had broke inside me which explains the disconnect I started to feel. It was then I started to realize the inconsideration for not just my feelings on the topic of my sexual abuse with my father, but with more. This person, who I look up to and valued more than life itself had shown me a dark side to them that I did not know existed. The anger that came from them seemed to be always directed at everyone else, except for my Dad. Excuses are still made to this day, the same excuses I used to survive all those years when I kept my silence. I was afraid for them to read this, but the inevitable would happen anyway, I would be added to the shooting line. Confrontation not an option because it is always everyone else’s fault except my Dads. The kicker: this person knows I am not my Dads only victim… Honestly, I probably wasn’t his last.

A real eye-opener happened when telling this person about an attempted abduction that had happened in a rural town, their first question… “Was the girl a reliable source?” I immediately responded in defense to that victim but later it hit me. Is that why they look the other way and continue to support my father, BECAUSE I’M NOT FUCKING RELIABLE?!?!!?!!?!?!?!? Is that what a woman NEEDS to be in order to be heard and BELIEVED after something so FUCKING TRAUMATIZING? She needs a good TRACK RECORD?! There are fucking boxes that need to be TICKED OFF in order to be REPUTABLE??!?!?!?!

This feeling, this SHAME, I felt… THIS was why people keep their silence after being sexually abused, after anything in that area of trauma, really. This BULLSHIT mindset that you need to have a clear mind, a clean background, a good up bringing, a loving home (all of which I did not have) to be BELIEVED. So it was then I felt my biggest betrayal and it was then I realized why people keep their silence.

Basically, since I do not have a CLEAN history it would mean, I am going around telling falsehoods about my Dad TOUCHING me while I pretended to sleep so I can get the attention I OH SO CRAVE. SUCCESS!

Because THAT is the kind of attention I want. Because THAT is the fucking kind of person I am. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This person has been with me through the hardest times in my life, has shaped me into the woman I am today, who I praised and admired and who I love so fucking much… I can’t even put into words. You trust these kinds of people to safe keep this unspoken weapon that can cut you the deepest… and I’ve been stabbed, repeatedly.

Now, I sit here bleeding and not know how to fix myself or move forward. Not knowing how to forgive. I’ve been struggling with this for awhile now and I just feel so fucking stuck. I keep myself busy and obsessively read because I don’t want to hear the words anymore, the betrayals. It used to not make me numb, not make me sad or cry but angry, so fucking angry.

But maybe I needed to write it out because I’m crying now.

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