Blog, Depression

My Monsters Are Real, They Are Trained How To Kill

In this moment, I can breath a bit easier. Inhaling and lifting my chest without the familiar tightness, exhaling audibly because of the pure relief I feel. In this moment, I sit in silence as the clock ticks, signaling another passing minute. Signaling that the inevitable is coming and that my time is precious. The darkness has only lifted for now, I know it awaits because that is the routine we have fallen into. The truth is, I’m really the only one who is falling. Down, down, down.

My depression has taken a nasty hold on me. At a severity I have not encountered in a long time. October 4th, we will have been in this together for a whole month. In the last few days, my mornings are when it eases up and allows me to breath. By afternoon, I have no fighting chance. I have tried routines, good foods and hobbies to help ease the grip… it did not work. I then got desperate and tried my favorite bad foods and booze… it did not work. I drink past the point of return, I can not drink. I eat bad and good foods but my stomach and body just aches… I can not eat. I lay in bed a few days ago feeling so frustrated. I’m so over this fucking bullshit. I want to feel good again, I want to feel normal. My head filled with anger and with no where to turn to ease the pain, I had to remind myself, “This is not forever, only a few more days or weeks. Keep pushing.” This is not my first rodeo, so I know this is not the end of me.

I get up, get ready, go to work, come home, make supper, take care of the animals, do at least 1 task that I have on my to-do list, lay down on the couch and eventually go to bed. Repeat.

Throughout the day, I fake it as long as I can but am highly irritable. I deal with customers all day and the last thing I want to do is engage in small talk. I don’t like jokes, I don’t want to laugh, I don’t care about strangers and what they have to say. I just want to be left alone. I will have bouts of elation, but not the healthy kind, not the normal kind. My elation consists of being wide awake, jumpy, anxiety and my whole body feels like it’s buzzing. As the day drags on at work, the vibration intensifies. When I walk to my car, I can feel it start to ease, but that ease takes me back down to my lack of emotion and motivation. Its a vicious and draining cycle every damn day.

When I am home, I make sure to complete 1 or 2 tasks every day. Usually there is pure satisfaction as I cross if off my list, but I feel nothing. I try to hide my depression because I hate being a burden, but I had to tell my boyfriend because on Saturday, I did not move from the couch. He has been trying to help me by making me laugh, making me get up and help him with something to get my mind off of it, he is there when I’m craving affection, asking if I need help with anything and asking what I have been doing throughout my day, keeping tabs. He reminds me that right now social media is not a good idea, encouraging me to get off my phone and do something else like coloring or reading. Reading has been my saving grace, the only thing that gives me relief in my darkest hours. I’m able to completely engulf myself in the story and calm my over-worked brain.

But I am exhausted. I am ready for it to be over. I feel irritated everyday because I just want it to end already.

This is the kind of depression that puts people in hospitals or six feet under. I just have to keep reminding myself to put one foot forward.. .always.

Tonight, I’m going to write out some goals that I need to start being serious about. Ending up here is a sign that I have failed and I’m tired of being a failure. I will write out what kind of person I want to work towards being, who I want to become. Write out my goals in life. Write out what I want to do around the house. Then write out my first steps to achieving them. I want to learn to say no and start working on me on the inside and on the outside. My soul needs healing…. desperately.

This last month of realization, that I mentioned in a previous post, broke me. I need to heal. I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sick of letting others actions cut me so deep. It’s time I let go of certain people, let go of the weight I carry, and let go of being so fucking terrified to hurt others feelings when it is mine that continue to be sacrificed. Why am I suffering at the hands of others?! Why can’t people just get the fuck out of my life? Or step the fuck up?! I’m done. I’m done putting up with bullshit. I’m done holding my tongue and making sure everyone else has it easy. I was not put on this earth to be a punching bag, to be insulted or to off load more work on to. I am not here to make everyone else’s life fucking easier while I am expected to take more on. This applies to EVERY aspect of my life, relationships, friendships, personal life, work life and FAMILY. I may come off as a bitch, but I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I can’t keep sabotaging my goals, basically my life, for the comfort of others any longer. Yes, I am working towards being kind and living wholeheartedly but that includes standing up for myself and my worth. It’s time to make changes. I can not continue living like this.

I’m just so fucking done.

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