Continued from previous post…
I’m starting this year off like never before! Stable and sober!
Having my stability and sobriety hand in hand has been eye-opening. I feel like I’ve experienced an awakening. The clarity in my mind is something I have never experienced before, a decisiveness that I used to never have. Every decision I make is done without second guessing. So that’s why this year, my goal planning came so easily.
1. Exercise consistently, eat healthier to obtain goal bod, clearer skin and maintain stability. ❤
2. Declutter my home and reorganize! (Love that shit)
3. Write and read more. Create a writing space for my blogs, journaling, and other projects. Read more books this year including more educational books.
4. Be frugal. Only buy what you absolutely NEED! No new clothes unless undergarments and socks 🙂
5. Say NO. Say no to anything that doesn’t bring me peace and happiness. Say no to plans and accept missing out on the fun I might have had, so I can enjoy needed down time. Say no to toxic people and situations.
What I will continue in 2020:
1. Little to no alcohol.
2. Limiting my social media days. Increase to 4 days of being off social media per week.
I feel this year I will see more success than I have in previous years. I am stable and will not be sabotaging myself with partying and hangovers. Quitting alcohol and limiting social media were the 2 things I was most stubborn about changing. Now that I have almost made it 3 months of this new approach at life, I realize that they were my 2 biggest enemies. The alcohol would make me depressed, groggy, lazy, cranky, and unmotivated. Then you add in the social media to kick you while your down. Seeing all the success people portrayed, all the amazing shit in their lives, and there I was laying around feeling sorry for myself… because of my own fucking decisions.
This year is going to be about reeling in the recklessness, the emotional reactions, the impulses and more about calming down, thinking things through and planning. Caring less about what others think, not stressing about chores, plans that go wrong and caring more about how I feel, how I make others feel, making time for myself and learning to let shit go.
What does being stable look like for me right now?
I feel grounded, level-headed, content, happy, and decisive. The combination of being stable AND sober just made something click in my mind. I realized a new shift in my thought process when I was in a group chat with my family that is set up every year to plan Christmas. I’m not close with this part of my family and never have been. I sat and watched as these people, who are essentially strangers to me, throw out ideas for the food spread. A feeling of dread welled up inside of me and I decided, to my own amazement, I’m not doing this anymore. 2 clicks and I removed myself from the group and their lives. Why was I constantly going to these “family” functions when I didn’t know half the peoples names, and the names I did know, I knew nothing about. I was the black sheep. The only thing I had in common with these people was who we were related to. The only reason I was even going at this point was because of my Grandma (who doesn’t even like me) but I was sacrificing myself continuously to make sure she was happy. Not anymore. After that, I felt so strong and sure of myself and my needs. Then came situation #2…
My brother was in town recently and so my uncle wanted to get the family together for dinner. That consisted of themselves, my aunty, me and…….. my dad. For 4 days, I was having anxiety and I was cranky. I told my uncle repeatedly I did not want to do this, he asked me just 1 more time and I reluctantly agreed. I didn’t want to upset him or my brother so I bit the bullet. I felt on the edge of crying for those 4 days and promised myself never again. But the universe was on my side, Sunday morning came and my uncle knocked on my door. I was livid, because he was supposed to be picking up my dad and the first thing I did was harshly ask him, why the hell he would bring him to where I live?! He calmed me down and told me they were meeting him later, meaning I wasn’t going to see him. I can not explain the relief I felt. So after talking with my boyfriend about how I felt about the situation and what I wanted we decided, the rules will be laid down that future visits will not be happening under any circumstances. If my family members can’t respect that, boundaries will be placed.
I’ve finally, not only felt, that I needed to stop making sure others were happy at the expense of my mental health but have taken the steps to lay down my boundaries. Unfortunately, that meant entirely removing people from my life. Some people won’t understand because they have had it drilled in their heads that family is irreplaceable. I’ve always thought that my family was just a bunch of strangers forced to make it work. Honestly, because of that, I don’t feel sad or angry or lost or empty… I feel relief.
This last year was the finishing touch to a decade of growth. So much growth. 10 years ago I was: In the midst of my partying days indulging in drugs and alcohol, in a very mentally/emotionally abusive relationship, undiagnosed, so broken, sad, pained, lost and so fucking angry at the world. I walk into this new decade: Stable, diagnosed and medicated for Bipolar 2 disorder, sober, in a healthy relationship that changed my life, a proud stepmother, at peace, confident, happy, excited, surrounded by people I love, and wholeheartedly loving every part of who I am.
This next decade, next year, is not a new chapter but a whole new story. I look back remembering the pain and anger of a lost young woman. So much pain she had. I now look at who I have become, I am unrecognizable. As I close the book of my darkest days… I cry.
I cry for that young woman full of hate and despair.
I cry for the times I wouldn’t let myself.
I cry for the people I’ve hurt.
I cry for my innocence stolen.
I cry for the pain and betrayal.
But most of all, I cry that it’s over.
I cry because the relief is so profound.
I let it out. Let it all out.
Continued from previous post…